After 12 weeks I just miscarried or I'm in the process of miscarrying, I'm not sure

I just miscarried... or rather maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm currently in the process of having a miscarriage. I'm not really sure.

Last week I thought I was 12 weeks. Just that week I started feeling better... I wasn't as tired, no more nausea. I thought, wow, things really do feel better when you hit the 12-week mark.

Friday night I started feeling some cramping but figured it was normal. Saturday I saw some spotting and I called our midwife. She told us that either alone are ok but together was something we might be worried about. Sunday morning we went to the ER.

The moment I saw the first ultrasound I knew. The embryo wasn't the size it was supposed to be. My weekly email updates told me it should be the size of a lime and it looked more like a chickpea!

The ER doc said he couldn't find a heartbeat but ordered a more official ultrasound... as my husband and I waited, I knew and I cried quietly as he updated our families.

They confirmed that the baby had stopped developing around 7 weeks. What?!!! For 5 weeks my body thought it was still pregnant?!! Why hadn't I miscarried then?

Here I was about to tell all my extended family, my work, announce to the world this incredible news and my baby wasn’t even close to 12 weeks.

It still feels surreal. Would it have felt different to have miscarried then? Maybe not. They told me that since my body was starting the process, I could just go home and miscarry naturally. They told me it may take a week or so.

They did not really prepare me on what to expect. For the afternoon, it was just light bleeding. We spent the day letting our close family and friends know. I cried on and off. We did a ritual- lit a candle, said our good-byes.

At midnight I was woken up by intense pain in my lower back and abdomen that came in more and more intense waves closer and closer together. I assume these were contractions.

I tried to breathe through them. I got into a warm bath to try to try and find some relief. For three hours I moved from the bathtub to the toilet. My husband eventually woke up and seeing me dripping wet, covered by a towel, sitting on the toilet… he was concerned.

We looked online and I was bleeding more than the "one pad every half hour" suggestion on when to go to the ER. We talked again to our midwife and at 4 am we headed back to the ER.

A very condescending doctor told me that it was all normal... as I'm bleeding all over everything. He told me women all over the world go through this without medical intervention... that it’s painful and that there is a lot of blood. I felt so small at that moment.

I tried to stand up for myself that I had never been through this, that no one told me, that the information on the internet said to GO GET HELP. He softened a bit but I’m guessing he was ending his shift at 4 am on a Monday morning and did not want to be bothered much by a miscarrying woman. I wish he had just said, “This is all normal and I’m so sorry”.

It's Thursday now and while I think the worst is over, I'm continuing to have cramping and bleeding. I just want it to be over, to not have this constant visceral reminder of losing my baby. My hormones are all over the place. I cry off and on.

I try to make meaning out of it. Sometimes the meaning makes me feel worse (there is something wrong with me, we didn’t want this baby enough, I’m too old) and sometimes the meaning makes me feel better (this is just part of our journey, life unfolds just how it’s supposed to, this experience has prepared us more for pregnancy and parenting).

I went to work yesterday. I may have been too early. I was still in pain and weak from blood loss. I just wanted to remind myself of the other parts of me… to remind myself of my identity other than mom-to-be and now no-longer-mom-to be. The reality is, those will forever be part of me now. I am changed and I am sad. I expect I will be for a good while.