A medical abortion after an affair

I think it was due to the fact I loved my husband so much, I never cheated on him whenever he was away, but we would argue over financial reasons.
The name calling escalated and the arguments got violent. We had been trying for a baby for a while anyway, and after I couldn't manage to get pregnant, I assumed it's because I'm overweight. I took a weekly pregnancy test, and when it showed negative, we went on holiday for two weeks and I forgot all about it.
I found comfort in an online chat room, and before long started receiving a lot of male attention. After realizing a lot of them lived close, I found myself going to their houses late at night just to chat. They would slag off their ex girlfriends and I would tell them about how badly my husband had spoken to me.
Then once, I had had a couple of drinks and one guy kissed me. I felt wanted and it made me feel loved. After having sex with him, I went back to the chat room and arranged to meet another man just for sex. After having sex with him in his car, I never heard from him again and that made me feel upset and used.
Then I met another man and we had sex together, all of these times I always had protected sex, just not with my husband. When I had sex with the last guy, the condom stayed inside me and leaked slightly. When I noticed this, I was really upset and all of a sudden all of the times I had had sex with these three men weren't worth it. I took the chance and didn't take the morning after pill. Around 2 - 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it, as I had been trying for a while.

I knew straight away that I could not keep it

? The chance that it could have been any one of the other three men's was replaying over and over in my mind. I didn't tell anyone about being pregnant. I had so desperately wanted a baby for two years, and now the time when I get what I wanted, I realize I had made a huge mistake. I didn't bother to talk to any of the men about what had happened, and I just went to the doctor and didn't give a reason why I wanted an abortion.
He signed the form to say he agreed to it, and booked an appointment at the hospital for the following Thursday. The doctor was so nice about it, and he made me feel less ashamed and upset. I went to the hospital and it was so hard to hide the real reasons as to why I wanted an abortion. I had never really had an opinion about abortion as I had never thought I would be stupid enough to have to go through with one. I kind of shut my feelings off and felt numb and just got on with everything as I just wanted it over and done with. I went to the hospital and had to sit with all the pregnant women and their families waiting for their scans. This was very distressing, and it upset me to sit around so many children and unborn babies that were wanted. I went through for an ultrasound, and the woman who did this was so lovely.

She told me I was 6 weeks pregnant

She was really nice did the scan as quickly as she could. It's not embarrassing at all; they just put a bit of jelly on your stomach and use the scanning machine (they don't see any of your private parts). I then went into a side room and spoke to a nurse about why I wanted it done. I said it was because of temporary visa issues, but I knew the real reasons deep down. I still can't believe I sat there and (being a person who does not lie) I blatantly told lie after lie. I was so upset emotionally, with my head telling me I had to abort the baby, and my heart telling me this is what I have always wanted. I knew I could not bring up a baby for 18 years hiding this secret, telling my husband it is his when I really wouldn't know. I knew I had to think about the long term and not just how I felt at the time. I was beginning to feel so maternal, watching what I ate and not taking medication or drinking, even though I knew the baby would be terminated. The doctor was so horrible to me, telling me I was lying about why I had previously had an implant removed (due to pain) and other things. I was already feeling fragile and upset, and I had gone alone because I knew I had to accept the consequences of my disgusting actions. I quickly took the first tablet, just to prevent myself changing my mind. It was hard and my hands were shaking. I had my blood tests done and a urine sample and I was told to go home and to come back two days later to be admitted onto the ward. I walked out the hospital feeling a little positive, knowing that I had took the first step to hiding what I had done wrong. I then went home and cried constantly.

I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done and what I was going to do.

It was the first time I actually felt as though I wanted to keep the baby. The next two days were the longest days of my life. I began to bleed very slightly, so I felt a bit more sure that the treatment would work for me. I was told to come to the ward at 9.30am, so I turned up at 9am because I knew there would be many girls there and I wanted to be seen to first. The nurse who spoke to me was lovely, and she asked me if I wanted to attend a church service three months later to show respect for the foetus I was losing. This made me feel better, and I acted as though I didn't want to, but told her I would take the leaflet anyway. I knew deep down I had to attend this service, it was a way to show how sorry I really was for doing this. I was put into a bay with a couple of other girls and the curtain was drawn round (thank god). I just sat behind the curtain, registered to pay for the television, and sat with a blanket over me in secret so no one could see me. The nurse gave me a pain relief that you put up your bum, which you can do yourself. I felt slightly embarrassed but I knew it would be better than trying this without pain relief. I went to the bathroom and put the pain relief up my bum and took an anti-sickness tablet. At about 10.30am, the nurse gave me three tablets to start the miscarriage.

I felt like someone was ripping out my uterus

At 11am, I suddenly got the worst pain ever in my stomach, like period pains but 100 times worse. . I won't lie, I have a very high pain threshold, but this pain was ridiculous. I remember crying with agony, but I didn't tell anyone, I just stood behind the curtain leaning over the bed, then on my knees, glad that I was alone. I put up with the pain for about 20 minutes, and then I vomited yellow liquid. I pressed my buzzer and a lovely HCA took it away and was really nice to me. After I vomited (90 minutes after taking the tablets), the pain disappeared and I could feel something inside my vagina. I 'pushed' and I felt a huge gush of liquid. I ran to the toilet with a spare pair of trousers and knickers and I had already been told to wee into a bedpan. I pushed and 4 big blood clots fell out, with a load of blood. I wrote my initials on the bedpan and left it in the sluice. I went back to my bed and watched television, and about an hour later I felt something inside my vagina again. This time I ran to the toilet and pushed out more blood clots. I went back to my bed and this happened one more time. This time I didn't make it to the toilet, and a different looking thing came out in my knickers. I am sure this was the placenta. I picked it up (it's like a red jelly) and put it in the bedpan.
At this point, I cried through sadness at what I had done. I knew I would never ever forgive myself and I hated myself for my dirty actions. I went back to my hospital bed, was given some lunch and several lovely cups of tea and some more tablets. After the bleeding had settled I asked to go home and the lovely nurse discharged me. I went home without my husband knowing about anything, and somehow convinced him I didn't want sex for two weeks. I am now completely fine, and I feel disgusted at what I have done. I look at my husband and realize he is the most important person in my life, and how on eart
This story was sent in on 25/09/2010 and it's been viewed 4,673 times.

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