I didn't realise how much would change after abortion

I fell pregnant in October 2008 at the age of 17. I had just started college, I was single and I was far from expecting to find myself pregnant.

I was pretty naive to think it would never happen to me. But I was never ashamed to admit I was pregnant because it was a gift.

I didn't realise how much my life would change after going through with an abortion

I never agreed with abortions I felt so sick at the thought of people even considering it. But I know deep down at the time it was the right thing to do.

It would have been unfair to have a child I could not provide for. Though I could give it all the love in the world, it wasn't enough to bring a child up the way it deserved.

I'm writing almost two years on from my abortion. It was like it happened yesterday and things have never been the same since. To be honest it's been pretty tough!

I've had breakdowns and very low moments

All I could think of was what if.

I also think back to the day wishing I had said no and not gone through with it, but I find some strength now and again to try and move forward. I have to I can't change what's been and gone.

I just know I'll never forget my baby

I love kids I 'always have and I hope one day I get my chance to be a mum when the time is right.

I do regret it in some ways not giving myself, as well as this child, a chance to be a part of each others lives properly.

However I look back knowing that everything happens for a reason and the reason was that I just wasn't ready to be a mum. I wasn't in a relationship at the time which made things even more difficult.

However I'm not scared of people's judgement. I was lucky I had my family's support, I know not everyone has that.

I won't lie it's the hardest decision I've ever had to make

It probably will be the hardest decision I have to live with.

I hope that whoever has been through this finds the strength to believe there is hope for the future and that there actions were not taken lightly but for the same reasons as me, because it was for the best.

This story was sent in on 27/10/2010

Editor's comment

Your story is very sad and the emotional pain you have experienced after the abortion has been very hard for you.

Although your circumstances were telling you that you could not provide for a child, your values and beliefs went against the choice of abortion.

There must have been a battle going on between what your head was telling you and what your heart longed for. I think when you suppress those values and emotions it often causes a lot of internal pain and torment. I do think that post abortion counselling would help you to work through some of your emotional turmoil and would really encourage you to seek help from a centre near you.

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