I wanted this baby but I decided to have an abortion.

At 15 years old I split up with my boyfriend, and broke my heart at first.
After a few months I was seeing someone new, it was great, he was gorgeous, I could tell him everything, he wasn't ashamed to say I was his girl,(unlike my ex who hid me from everyone), while I was seeing him I was constantly ill, being sick at every opportunity. I was staying with my best mate all the time,and me and her mum built a good friendship. She's my second mum.
She noticed the symptoms but like me also though it was because I was just ill as usual, but I soon noticed I was around 4-5 weeks late( as I had trouble with my periods coming on here and there I was used to it) but a week later I was fine. One night just being constantly sick, I plucked up the courage to finally get into town and check. I felt my heart sink, but I was overwhelmed by happiness.

I wanted this baby

I then rang my best friend and told her and she came to me as soon as she could. I had to tell my ex and as soon as I did he didn't believe me, I broke down in tears and my friend took the phone I told him it was his. I heard every word he said calling me a slag, "she's a dirty little whore", the boy who swept me off my feet, who I felt so deeply about who I lost my virginity to really tore me apart.
Now the hard part telling the boy I was with I was pregnant with my ex-boyfriend, he was supportive at first but soon couldn't handle it and left me.
I don't blame him, he done good by me in the beginning.

I had a huge decision to make

Calculating the dates I would be ready to drop around the time I done my GCSE's. Telling my mum was the worst part, I felt she really hated me but she also blamed herself.
Me and my mum thought long about what to do when I decided to have the abortion. The only date they had was on my 16th birthday, so I took it. On the day I felt nothing, I didn't realise what I just done until 2 weeks later it really hit me.
To make matters worse a friend of mine was 4 months and didn't know she had a miscarriage a week after I had the abortion.

I still regret what I done

I have trouble sleeping and have nightmares all the time, I have major depression and have lost a lot of my friends because I was not willing to tell them what had happened to me.
I'm slowly coming back to myself and have found someone who knows what happened and respects the fact that I want to take things slow. I find it hard to trust him and he knows that. He shows no reason for me not to but this is a really long grieving process for me.
I cry a lot less than what I did 2months ago. but seeing someone carrying a child brings hope to me, maybe I can be a mum but when I'm stable enough to look after myself.
My advice is make sure it is your choice what you do with your body, don't feel pressured into what you do not want to do.

I feel I made the wrong mistake

I found a way of capturing the feeling I had when I was pregnant, I brought a silver ring that never leaves my chain. This is to symbolise the happiness I felt and hopefully the happiness my baby has with the people I love up above. Everyone reacts differently, when you react though don't hurt yourself.

Editor's Comment

You were very young when you were faced with a big crisis in your life, and it must have been hard to cope with. I expect you took a lot of advice from your mum and had to rely on her help when you made your decision. If you still feel that you need some help or support we have trained advisors who are able to help you with post abortion recovery. You can ring the national helpline 0300 4000 999, or log onto Online advisor on the website.
This story was sent in on 25/11/2010 and it's been viewed 627 times.

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