I chose abortion because I am mixed race and my partner would not support me

I had recently split up from my partner of 2 years.
I told him that I was pregnant and he said the decision was mine.
I already had two children from a previous relationship. Knowing how wonderful pregnancy and birth was the decision was killing me. My mind was in turmoil, I thought about nothing else.
I am mixed race and he is white, he asked what colour the baby was going to be and said that his next girlfriends were going to wear short skirts and bleached blonde hair.

I chose abortion given that I had already bought up 2 children alone

What he was saying scared me. I went to the clinic and a friend took me inside.
I was crying so much, even to write this hurts me as I recall the pain. But in my heart I knew I was doing the right thing, even though I was doubting it so much.
Tears flooded my pillow as I laid down in the bed waiting for the procedure. The Dr came round and asked was I sure I was wanting to do this. I took a deep breath and gulped and said yes.

Tears continued to flow for weeks, months, years after

Even to this day that decision haunts me. It took me years to stop the guilt of that decision. But as crazy as this may seem I still believe I did the right thing. The relationship ended for a reason and I know the child ultimately would have suffered. I vowed I would never do that again.
What I would say to anyone considering an abortion is that you do what's right for you, yes its tough and no doubt the toughest decision you will ever have to make in your life.
Time heals everything and I'm living proof that it does. But seek help,professional support don't do it alone like I did, because I believe that's what prolonged the pain for me.
My own children were enough for me to have on my own and they would have felt the pain of his baby too, so as much as it hurt, it was the right decision for me. Please seek help though, that's what its there for, I felt embarrassed but on reflection I didn't have anything to be embarrassed about, this is my life and I mucked up but things happen for a reason and what ever took over me to decide that, has enabled me to raise my own children in a positive healthy environment, one of which I know that child would never have had. Take care and let time heal decisions, your not alone supports are there for you!!!And remember judgement are made by ignorance, you can only judge me if you walk in my shoes..

Editor's Comment

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds as though it has been a long hard road to recovery, and you have had 2 children to bring up in the midst of your pain. I wish I could agree with you that "Time heals everything" but I don't think that is true for some people, and I have met those who have never come to terms with a decision they have made. It is important to be true to yourself and not to go against your own values and beliefs. Crossing those boundaries can lead to a lot of pain and regret. Please contact the national helpline for post abortion support 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 25/11/2010 and it's been viewed 1,004 times.

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