A surgical abortion in hospital

After spending 7 years alone (after a very unhappy 10 year relationship with my childrens' father) I met someone who I fell in love with and planned to marry. I am not the marrying kind but this,I felt, was the soul mate I had been so patiently waiting for while ploughing all of my energies into my children as a single parent.
When we met things moved quickly and he moved down to the south coast from Manchester after just 4 months.
We had a few disagreements/problems with the quick move but we were all happy, or so I thought.
There were times when I feel I had good reason to question my 'soul mate's' fidelity but there were always excuses for the events that I had observed. He also told me that he had tried for a child with his last two relationships ( 14 years ) and been unsuccessful after having medical tests saying that he had a low sperm count ( he does have two children from his first marriage)
Taking this as gospel and taking our ages into account (44 and 47 respectivly) I believed that I would not fall pregnant.
How wrong was I?
9 months into living together, I knew I was pregnant but my partner would not have believe me.

I was so sure I was scared to do the test.

I took the test on July 28th, the red line could not have been any stronger. My partner still did not believe me and we made a gp appointment that same day for confirmation.
The gp confirmed what I had said earlier, the tests are 99% accurate and I was pregnant.
We were then asked what we felt and I was asked if I could see myself pregnant?
I said I could not see myself pregnant as I had been on a month's course of high dose steroids for ezcema, I had been anaemic for just under two years, I was overweight and I was to discover later at a scan that I had a suspected bicornurate uterus(which can cause miscarriage).
Having a scan knowing that I was pregnant was awful and I did not want to look at the screen. I was told I was 8 weeks or so.

We both agreed on abortion

We discussed the situation over the weekend and I was in utter turmoil and said to my partner 'what the hell have you done to me, do you have any idea what I now have to go through'?
We discussed the possibility of keeping the baby but with the health risks and our ages and the fact that I had made it clear from day one I didn't want any more children, we BOTH agreed on the abortion.
We looked at all the various methods of abortion and I did not want to have the medical form due to the anaemia. My gp initially told us we would have to wait until 24th August for the local hospital to have an appointment, and they wanted to send me to Brighton for the medical termination.

We ended up at Worthing hospital and it was the worst day of my life.

I would like to make it very clear at this point that my partner and I had both AGREED the termination ( our respective families agreed too, the only people that were excluded were my children who have supported me and agree/understand/accept my reasons for doing what I did).

I do not believe in abortion and never saw myself having one

I was in turmoil ( and my partner knew this) as I do not believe in abortion and never saw myself having one,and I cried all the way to the hospital, across the car park, I was that upset they wouldn't let me in the day ward and I sat outside before going down to gyne. I walked to theatre shaking and the next thing I know, I was in recovery having a tube ripped out of my throat. I went back to the ward on the trolley and as I slid over to my bed, I had a card 'thrown' at me. I asked them what it was and they said it was the info on the myrena coil.
I wanted to use the toilet but said to my partner I didn't want to go as I would have confirmation of what I had just done.
We did not get a visit from the surgeon before we left, we had to ask what had gone on in theatre and they sent us down an on call doctor.
I do not remember the journey home and when I got home, my children had brought me a huge bunch of flowers and made me a card.
I went up to my bedroom and collapsed in hysterical tears again. I spent 4 days in bed having 'contractions' - no one told me what to expect and I complained to the clinic that had referred me, I complained to the hospital and went to see another 'on call' consultant that afternoon who offered a half baked apology for the way I had been treated and that was pretty much that.
I still had no idea if I had a coil or not and on the 1st October, I eventually had a scan at my local hospital and the coil was there and in place. No one had contacted me from any of the hospitals since that date and the 'secret' was pretty much held between my partner and myself.

It was only a matter of time for the pressure to blow

we had some rows and with hindsite, we should have gone for counselling but no one asked us. My concerns of infidelity with my partner increased ( I did have solid proof too though) and as time passed, things went haywire. We stayed together a few weeks after this but a row over the tumble dryer caused so much of an atmosphere, my partner walked out on his birthday without saying a thing to my children after being their step dad for over a year.
I am now having to deal with the trauma depression of the abortion ( which I didn't recognise as depression as it is not run of the mill depression),general depression of the relationship breakup and two teenage children who are in pieces.

We all are having counselling and I am also going to take advantage of 'The Journey' as offered here.

I am on anti depressants and sleeping pills and have a small family/friend base and I am struggling like never before.
Over the xmas/new year period, I hoped that I would go to sleep and not wake up, that was the worst xmas/new year ever. and that 'hole' is still there.....day in day out.
I never knew the personal devastation that an abortion could cause and there is part of me that died on that day ( friday 13th august 2010)and will never come back and now I have all the other issues to deal with also. While I know that I made the right decision (based on the health issues and the fact that I would now be a single parent at 45 with two teenage children and no family support around me) it is the single most difficult thing I have ever done and I need to come to terms with it as it is tearing me apart.
i got myself a necklace from Alexandras angels on the internet with Sammy J and his due date of birth (21/3/2011)on one side, and forever in our thought on the reverse. as far as i am concerned, I have three children as Sammy will always be in my heart and I am so very sorry that I will never have the chance to explain why things happened the way they did to him. Abortion is a killer in more than one sense of the word....it can be devastating even when you think you have your partner's support.

Editor's Comment

You have been badly let down by a relationship with your partner that seemed to be secure but he was not there for you when you needed his support. It also sounds as though the medical staff did not realise how distressed you were and did not explain the procedure very well to you. You are in a deep state of grief now and as you say having to deal with a number of major losses in your life. I am glad you and your children are having some counselling support and it would help you to contact one of the centres on the south coast and go through 'The Journey' post abortion support programme.
This story was sent in on 11/01/2011 and it's been viewed 1,067 times.

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