A medical abortion on Valentine's day

Its been exactly a year since I chose to have an abortion. Febuary 14th 2010, Valentines day. It is a day that I will never ever forget, not because its the most romantic day of the year but because its the day I completed my medical abortion. I don't think I will ever be able to have a "normal" valentines day, the hurt will always be there I think.
My story began around New Year 2009. Bear with me I know its a long one but I feel I need to write out all the details.
I was introduced to a friend's boyfriend's brother and we hit it off immediately, we had so much in common, same taste in music, things like that.
Stupidly, we drunkenly slept together New Year's eve. We did use protection but the condom must of broke and I wasn't on the pill. We began casually seeing each other, texting and going for a few drinks, watching dvds and things like that. I really started to like him but wanted to take things slow (I'm a bit of a commitment phobe!) I remember it snowed quite a bit in January 2010 so we didn't see each for a bit and things cooled off a little. I didn't really care though, I was having a good time with friends a bit of "social butterfly" about to turn 21.
I was also half way through my college course studying beauty therapy which I loved.
Anyway about a week after my birthday I was at home one evening when I suddenly realised my period was about 3 weeks late. I have always been a bit irregular with periods so didn't really think much of it, but I had a spare pregnancy test in my drawer but without instructions ( I'd had a scare a few months previous and this was the spare one; I remembered that just one line meant it was negative) So I went into the bathroom, ran a bath and took the test, completely expecting the one line to appear again, even though I was starting to get a funny feeling that something was not quite right..I got in the bath and took the test off the side where I'd left it to develop.

I just remember looking at it and thinking; "two lines"..thats not right I CAN'T be pregnant!!

I couldnt tell how long I sat there just staring at..I didn't even cry to begin with just sat there until the water turned cold and skin turned wrinkly. I eventually got out of the bath thinking in my head "its wrong, its got to be, there's no instructions..I'll buy one tomorrow and everything will be ok-back to normal" I was saying this over and over, trying to convince myself but deep down I knew I was pregnant. I was so scared. my immediate thought was abortion,and how I would hide it from my parents.
All of a sudden everything made sense; the tender breasts, tiredness, mood swings, weeing a lot! I rang my friend in tears and arranged to go to hers in the morning before college and take another test.
That night I hardly got any sleep, I just layed there in the dark thinking how stupid I was and what I was going to do.
The next day I rang college and explained I would be late and then went to Boots and bought a pack of two tests. When the first test came back positive I took the second one (still stubbornly believing that they must be broken; that this could not be happening to me!) which of course came back positive.
I decided to go to the local family planning clinic as I didn't want to go to my GP. I thought he would tell my family ( I still live at home, am an only child and didn't want to disappoint my mum and dad) so I went up there the same morning with my friend and requested an emergecny appointment. The nurse I spoke to was so lovely, she could see I was in shock; a mess! She confirmed my pregnancy and briefly explained and went through my differant options.

Abortion, Adoption, and continuing with the pregnancy.

She told me that she thought I should take a few days for the shock to set in as everything was still fresh and raw and to come back after the weekend. I had been here before with my friend, she had fallen pregnant the previous year (in a twist of fate it was with the brother of the guy I had been seeing AND on New Year's eve) and I had come with her for support, never once believing it could be me sat on the receiving end of the advice. I had always imagined that when I had a baby I would be in a relationship or married with somebody I loved, that I would be able to support the child financially and emotionally and that I could provide for her, love her and want her....Not alone, absolutely terrified, still living at home and a student!
I went back to college later that morning, but I felt like I wasn't even there, I broke down a few times but didn't explain why and eventually went home early.
Over the next few days I spoke to a few people I was close to and trusted. Got people's opinions, listened to their advice but I knew deep down there was only me who could make my decision.
I ruled out adoption and began to agonise over the choice of abortion or keep the baby. My initial thought HAD been abortion but the longer I thought about it the more I thought I could keep this child, that I could make a go of it..I didn't want to punish the baby for something that was MY mistake. I thought about telling the dad but I wanted to make my decision first, rather than cause him any hurt or mess with his head...then I found out he had long term serious girlfriend. That hurt. I guess before I found that out there was some crazy idea that me and him would get together and raise the baby, but this is real life not some silly disney film.
That weekend I changed my mind a few times, but already I was changing..I didn't have any alcohol, I was carrying myself differently careful not to lift anything heavy in case I damaged my baby.

I would lie in the bath and just cradle my stomach.

I spent hours on the internet reading articles and information, looking at stages of pregnancy and read all the stories on this website.
I went back to the clinic on the tuesday, still completely unsure of what to do for the best. I saw the same nurse again and explained what I was thinking, that I was going back and forth between the choices. She then told me, in confidence and she said it was probably unprofessional of her, that she had an abortion when she was 19 and explained how difficult that choice was but she's now married with 3 boys and has a successful career. I think her telling me that helped me in a way, as the advice I had received so far was from friends and things I had read on the internet.
I decided to look down the abortion route, and the nurse pulled some strings and got me an appointment at the local hospital the next day where I would go and talk to them, have a scan and for them to go through things in more detail.
I went there the next day with my friend and spoke to a few different people. First of all I had to have my bloods taken and then I had an internal examnination which was very uncomfortable. I then had a scan, which I was told would be very straightforward, however once I was in there they found I had a tilted uterus which was making it hard to see my baby's heartbeat. They needed to see the baby to find out how far gone I was so that the correct choice in procedure was made. So I had to have an internal camera instead of an ultrasound ( I can't remember that correct name for it.) and they confirmed I was about 6 weeks. After this I spoke to a doctor and we talked about the two different procedures. As I wasn't really that far along I was told I would be allowed to have a medical termination. I knew from reading things on the internet that this was a more "natural" option with less risk than the surgical however it would be more painful as you would actually have to "feel" it...I told the doctor I needed more time to make my choice, and I made an appointment for a week later to tell them my decision. I went away with a few things clearer in my mind but still unsure. After a week of feeling sick, tired, crying (god I have never cried so much in my li
This story was sent in on 11/03/2011 and it's been viewed 864 times.

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