An abortion at 16 weeks that is still painful after 6 years

By anonymous on 05/04/2011
I was in my first year of University in 2005 (so still very hard to deal with 6 years on). I had only been with my boyfriend for 2 months, however known each other for 2 years so I felt he was a person I could rely on, not that I every expected to get pregnant.

I was using the Pill but it had been the first time I slept with him that I fell pregnant.

I found out I was pregnant after we had broken up yet still felt it right to tell him I was pregnant. We ran in the same circles yet he never helped me or offered any support even when I asked. This was a huge blow as my perception of a person I thought I knew was so wrong and so unwilling to care.
It was my mother who came with me to the hospital and she was supportive in my choice and agreed with it.

I can say without a doubt it was the most traumatising experience of my life.

I was 16 weeks gone and I had had the tablet inserted. I was not informed that my waters would break (this hadn't even crossed my mind), so when I had stood up off the bed it gushed everywhere. I was in pain although I had expected this. Because of my waters breaking so much and it happening so quickly a nurse came in and I ended up sitting on a wheelchair with a hole in it for the bedpan, where the 'fetus' finally came out. At this point my mother was sitting outside the room so this happened when I was alone and very scared. As advised I did not look down and covered the bedpan with a paper towel. Afterwards my mother came in and I sat on the bed recovering and cried my eyes out. My mother looked at the bedpan and I know from speaking to my sister she knows the gender of my aborted baby yet it's still so raw I cannot even begin to discuss it.

And yet proves to me that it was a 'baby'.

I had to pull myself away from certain cirles to ensure I wouldn't find myself in the same room as my ex, not because of hate but I would start shaking and panicking, and after alcohol I would be crying. I resented him for this as it meant backing off from good friends, but it had to be done. Eventually I found the courage to meet up with him and ask why he had let me do this alone.....he didn't believe me. He only thought it might be true when I was always looking sad all of the time!!
When on holiday with friends, and my ex also I had a call from my sister to say she was pregnant, this started me off again as the abortion was still very recent and constantly on my mind. I spent all of that holiday crying.

After this point I was prescribed anti depressants.

Since then I had taken up counselling at my University in my 3rd year as it was interferring with my studies and I was very low. This helped a lot, but a few months after I was back to square one. Only last year after finding myself at work an hour early without realising (I had even ran for my train because I thought I was late) I cracked and was crying uncontrollably as I had been on auto pilot for days to stop my thoughts. So I went straight to my doctor who referred me for cognitive therapy which lasted about 6 weeks, and it was to help control your thoughts and how to have positive thinking. I must admit since then it has made a huge change and I am able to deal with a lot more stresses of daily life, and learn to relax and allow myself to enjoy life.
I am in a loving relationship for 3 years now and this issue HAS effected us, and this is why I had to go for help again as I was easily agitated and angry. I would cry over nothing and not speak about the abortion or what was bothering me, I to you say 'I'm just sad about the baby I aborted 3 years ago!'. Its not easy and there is nothing he could do to help. But he is very supportive and got me off antidepressants and advised me to go to other counselling sessions.

It is the past few weeks a couple of my friends have had children and I think this has triggered my flashbacks.

I also made a deal with myself that the abortion was to make sure I could better my life and be successful after University. However the job I am currently working in, I could have been doing without my degree, and so my choice upsets me when I agree that I could have had my child and still have a good life.
It is an ongoing battle and personally, I am very aware I am never going to be 100% happy with my choice but it is learning to deal with it and remember to enjoy life as you should.
There are many factors in making that choice and when you are young, you don't realise until afterwards how much you wanted to stay carefree! My baby is very much with me every day, this stuff changes a person whether you like it or not. For all others who have experienced abortion, stay strong and remember you're not alone! If you are low, please go for help, as depression and guilt drains you so much and at some point you need to give yourself a fresh break!!!

Editor's Comment

You have described a lot of symptoms that are sometimes called post abortion stress, and seen as a type of post traumatic stress disorder. It is hard to prepare yourself for an experience like this, and at 16 weeks the pregnancy is already quite advanced and termination more difficult. I am glad that you have managed to get help that has made a difference. If you feel we can support you more please contact us on the helpline and we will put you in touch with atrained post abortion advisor.

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