Hi, I’m not sure why I’m posting this so late in the day...

By anonymous on 23/04/2007
Hi, I’m not sure why I’m posting this so late in the day but I think that maybe it helps me personally to write down how I’m feeling right now, and maybe would help others to not feel quite so alone if they are experiencing similar circumstances.

Well here is my story... I’m 37, married for 18 years. I have a good marriage and have three children, all boys. At the age of 14, I met my now husband. I found out I was pregnant at 16. By the time I found out, I was 14 wks already and although everyone pushed me to have a termination I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. We were both so young but were totally in love.

We had a baby boy who is now a happy, lovely 19 year old. Because of our age we didn’t plan anymore children until eight years later. After two miscarriages, we had a much wanted baby boy. When he was five months old I found myself pregnant again. After the initial shock, I was happy and 100% sure that I wanted this baby. My husband initially wanted a termination but I just couldn’t go through with it. (I am 100% pro choice and think each decision is a personal one.) Nine months later son number three arrived.

We both love our boys so much and thought our family was complete, although we both had a secret longing for a princess to go with our princes, but time goes on and the boys have grown. My youngest is 11 now and the yearning for another try for a girl disappears (not completely but you know what I mean, I hope). Anyway about 11/12 wks ago I had a tooth infection and needed antibiotics (I’m on the pill.) Well, with the mixture of the tablets and me being a bit lax with the pill (how stupid I feel), I found myself pregnant at the age of 37. After the initial shock, I found myself surfing the internet for baby names, information on the stages of pregnancy etc… (even though having three already I kind of knew).

Well, my husband does not feel the same as me. We live in a very small house (to small for the five of us already), have limited finances etc. He said we cannot have this baby - no way!! I understand and totally agree with him 100%. Everything he says is true. If I agree with him why am I feeling so emotional? I know all the pros and cons yet I want to keep this baby. He says our two youngest share a small bedroom; they will never get a room of their own if we have to finance another baby. And where do we put this baby? There really is no room.

Well, last Thursday I went to the clinic to book in for a termination, the whole time I was there I cried uncontrollably. I am booked in tomorrow morning for a termination. I have to be there at 7.45 am. I have been crying all day, rubbing my tum and talking to my baby saying sorry but I won’t ever meet you. I feel like I’m going mad. What is going on with me? Why can’t I just accept the decision that’s been made? Oh boy, how am I going to get through tomorrow? I’m 10.5 wks pregnant and my husband is trying to be supportive but he does not understand. He said to me this morning when I was crying, ‘It’s only the size of a pin head!’ I said, ‘You so don’t know. It’s not. It’s a more or less perfectly formed little human being’. It’s so much more to me. I’m breaking my heart over this. Is this normal or am I being over emotional? I don’t know, but I sympathise with any woman going through this.

Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story…By now, you will have either gone ahead or not been able to go through with it. Perhaps you will write in again and tell us.

You ask at the end ‘Is this normal or am I being over emotional?’ From many of the stories you will see many women have this dilemma of their head saying one thing and their heart saying another. Your head – your rational, sensible, logical self – was saying that it couldn’t work, you have no money, you have no room. It makes sense not to go ahead with the pregnancy. But your heart is saying something else – your instinct that tells you this is already a little person you can talk to even if to say sorry, your conscience, your beliefs about baby development. Your heart has a different message – one that says this is my baby and I want to nurture and care for him or her. Your heart is where the pain was coming from.

I realise that in writing this, you may have gone ahead with the abortion under pressure from your circumstances. It may be very raw for you and you may feel desperately awful. Or you may have locked up your heart and be soldiering on in an attempt to stem the pain and be the wife and mother you were before.

Whatever has happened, it would help you to talk to someone. Visiting a centre, ringing the helpline or talking to someone on Online Advisor would be good places to start. Just talking it through with someone who understands can be a great benefit – that’s why we’re here. We’ll be thinking of you.

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