I'd already decided to have a termination, and booked the appointment, before telling my mum

At 15 I found myself being quickly swept along in a whirlwind holiday romance. Before I knew it I had missed a period.

When I first took the test my original reaction was excitement, that was exactly what I had always wanted (to have a family).

Writing it now, it sounds so crazy that at 15 I was pleased about this. But anyway, another 5 weeks full of guilt passed. My mum was noticing my mood swings, and I finally told her when I was 9 weeks pregnant.

Although I could see how upset she was knowing I was actually having a physical relationship with the individual, she offered full support in whatever decision I wanted to make.

Previous to telling my mum I had already made the decision to have a termination and had booked an appointment at the clinic where the procedure could be carried out.

My first appointment was to talk everything over, to ensure I was making the right decision and also to ensure I didn't want to continue the pregnancy to adopt.

My second appointment I had one set of tablets. I was told if I felt pain before the next set of tablets "the pregnancy was probably on the way out anyway" - something which still hurts me now to think about. I was angry with my nurse for saying that so bluntly but I guess that's life.

My third appointment was the last set of tablets and pessaries. The pain & sickness I had after this was incredible. After having false labour contractions for around 1hr 30mins I passed baby and placenta.

After the termination I was given a course of tablets to take to prevent infection. Although I was taking the tablets as instructed I had a very very painful kidney infection which lasted for over a week.

Still 5 years on that baby is always on my mind and I'm still waiting for the right time to start my family. Me and my partner would like to have a baby in a year or so, but first we want to get settled at work and in our house so we can provide what will be needed for our child.

This story was sent in on 19/04/2011 and it's been viewed 747 times.

Editor's comment

Thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds as though you are still troubled by your experience because you say that the baby is always on your mind. It is common to wonder what might have been and to imagine what life would have been like if your decision had been different.

You were very young when you had your first pregnancy, not in a long term relationship, and still living at home. Those circumstances may have made you feel that termination was your best option.

I hope that in time you and your partner are able to start a family. You may feel that you still have some unfinished business with your termination, and if you would like counselling to help you to move on there is help available Please follow the link to find a centre for post-abortion support in your area.

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