A medical abortion a year ago

First I would like to say how helpful this site is and how relieving it is to know other women and men have had the same emotional feeling that I have.
I had an abortion one year ago,and it was a decision I had been pressured into, as I wanted to keep my son.
I found out I was pregnant in Jan 2010, and I already had 3 children from a previous relationship. That ended three years ago.
I became close to a friend in October 2009 and we started sleeping together.

In January the condom broke and my partner had suggested I take the morning after pill

It was one day after my period so I assumed that I could not get pregnant and I was age 40 at the time.
After a month I found my breasts were tender and I started to get period like pains. I thought I was due for a period, but only a small amount of blood arrived, so I went to the doctor who confirmed I was pregnant and sent me for a scan. I was 5.5 weeks pregnant. I did not know what to think or do, because I already have 3 children and knew an abortion would be difficult.
My partner has a genetic disorder in his family so was worried that the baby might be deformed, as the clock started to tick the pressure from some family members became unbearable.

I did not want to abort this baby whether it was deformed or not.

I knew this baby wanted to live, as time went on I found myself becoming weak to the pressure and the stress of being pregnant with my body changing. My children did not know I was pregnant neither did my ex. Who was taking the children to South Africa to meet his family?
I waited for them to leave the country before I decided to go back to the abortion clinic.

This would have been my 4th visit as each time before I could not go through with the abortion and walked out.

I had got to the stage where I had become numb. My children were out of the country and if I was going to go through with it then this was the time to do it.

In my heart of hearts, I wish I had not listened to other people this was my life and the life of my son.

I wanted to wait for 16 weeks to see if there was a serious problem with the baby but the pressure was on to abort.
I remember sitting outside the hospital crying not knowing what to do. I just wanted this agony to end and for this situation to be over so my life could go back to normal again.
So after 8 weeks of a battle between my heart and head I decided to take the first tablet. When I got home I knew it was a mistake so I tried to make myself sick to get the tablet out of my body but it had dissolved on the way home.
I booked an appointment the following morning with the doctor, to assess how much damage the first tablet had done. They booked me in for a scan at the hospital on the Monday, my children were coming back on Sunday the day before. That night I felt my body contracting and thought I'm setting myself up for a miscarriage.
Later on I refused to speak to my partner as his attitude was that another child would make my life too complicated, my sister also put the pressure on saying it was bad karma. I feel sorry for any woman who has to make this type of decision. The clock is ticking and whatever the outcome it will be life changing.

Editor's Comment

I am glad the site has been helpful to you as you have been through an agonising time and sound as though you are still struggling with your experience. It is very difficult to withstand pressure from others when you are in the vulnerable early stages of pregnancy. I hope that you will be able to access some help and support through the website. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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