7 weeks & 6 days, identical twins, one of my babies had no heartbeat

I'm suffering from post-abortion stress. I have a tendency to always bottle my feelings up and when I read another women's story it inspired me to write my own.

I am 18, I have been with my partner for two years now. We are in a stable relationship. When it comes to sex usually I make sure there can't be any slip up's, but that one time you don't use another method of contraception with your pill I get caught.

I have gastro oesophageal reflux disease (GORD) so when my symptoms of morning sickness started I thought I was just having one of my GORD episodes.

Never did I think I would be pregnant

I was in a lot of pain and discomfort, my breasts were really sore, I went to see my GP three times over my tender breasts and still never clicked, until I just had this overwhelming urge to take a test.

Me and my partner went round to my local tesco and got a pregnancy test, when I got in I did both, and I was in absolute shock to see that it said positive.

We both said we thought it was too early for us to bring a tiny human into this world, financially we would of struggled and we didn't want to put any unnecessary pressure on our parents, so we chose to go for an abortion.

My mum came with me for the scan.

I found out I was 7 weeks and 6 days, that I was having identical twins, and that one of my babies had no heartbeat

This made everything so much harder than it already was.

I started to become emotionally attached and had to wait 2 weeks before I went in for my surgical abortion.

The time leading up to d-day as I called it, I started getting feelings I wanted to continue with my pregnancy. There is no doubt that I loved my twins, but at the time I kept telling myself it was better for everybody.

I felt like they were boys

I just had a feeling in my gut, maybe a mother's instinct, not that I will ever know now.

My abortion went okay, the staff where lovely, very caring and compassionate. But as the days and months go on, I find it harder to try and attempt to ease my pain.

When walking down to theatre I knew I was doing what he wanted and what everyone thought was best but I didn't want to go ahead, however couldn't seem to get the words out and say no.

Me and my partner are finding the relationship very hard, and all I seem to want these days is to see my babies faces, like they say you always want what you can't have!

I can't cope with the guilt, I can't concentrate on anything, my mind constantly wondering and beating myself up.

The main reason why I chose to go ahead with the termination was I was starting my nursing training. I feel lucky that I am able to give back, that I can help towards saving/improving an individual's quality of life.

I chose to go to my university's counselling service because I feared that my own personal experience could impact on the care I was providing to patients. They were amazing, they helped me restore the little pieces of me that chipped away during my time over the twins.

I still struggle to get through some days, but that is normal, yes I do regret giving up my opportunity of motherhood, but I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I believe that if you have the strength and faith you be able to control the pain. But I know it will never go away. You just have to breathe.

This story was sent in on 20/05/2011 and it's been viewed 2,094 times.

Editor's comment

I am glad you have found some help through your university counselling service and that you feel as though you are starting to cope with your painful feelings.

It always seems to be much more difficult if you are expecting twins, and you seem to have been going through a difficult grief reaction.

I hope that things will slowly improve for you, but please get in touch with a centre if you feel you need some more help or support. You can follow this link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

Read more abortion stories

I'm 17 & 3-4 weeks pregnant. I'd love a baby, but I'm not ready

I was expecting to feel depressed afterwards…

Previous

After medical abortion of twins, I just wish I could turn back time

6 years after the abortion I think we're over…

Next

Help & support is available

If you're struggling through a situation like that described above, or have been affected by similar issues in the past, no matter how long ago, help is available.

You can get free, sensitive & confidential help at a centre near you. Use these links for:

Got a story to tell?

Relating your story to other people can be difficult but can be very rewarding.

If you'd like to tell other readers, possibly facing the same problems you did, about your experiences please click the button to:

Tell your story →