Every day since my abortion I have cried

I was 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant. It was a shock as me and my boyfriend of nearly 3 years had always been safe and used protection.
I was a few weeks late which I didn't think much of as I was usually irregular with my periods. It was only when I began to be sick every day and feel nauseous I started to think I've never felt this way before and it suddenly dawned on me. I decided to walk up to the chemist and get a pregnancy test.

When I got home I did it in the toilet and almost straight away it came up positive.

So many emotions were running through my head and I immediately rang my boyfriend. I took the second test to be certain and it was also positive. All I could think about was how do I tell my parents? This would be there worst nightmare.
I couldn't face them so I texted them the next day. My mum replied with 'thanks for your text, you will get through this, I love you'.
I felt relieved as I felt they were going to support me with whatever I chose.
When I came home I found out I was very wrong and the pressure to get an abortion from them was immense.

I was told I would be kicked out if I kept the baby

They also said I was being selfish and would destroy the family.
I couldn't stop crying and neither could my mum. Deep down I wanted this baby but I didn't have the courage to speak out for it. Everytime I tried my parents convinced me otherwise and problems got worse and I was doing my A levels and the stress was too much. I never wanted it but felt I had to just get it all over with for the sake of my family. I now realise this was the worst thing I could have done.

I feel now I should have been true to myself.

The abortion was a surgical procedure and I reacted badly to my anaesthetic which made it harder. Everyday since my abortion I have cried and cried and have been a completely different person.
I am no longer happy and everyday my head is full of thoughts about what my baby would have been like, how it would have looked etc.
I understand in my situation it was probably for the best but I resent my parents for making me do something I didn't want rather than supporting me. I feel it is important to speak out if you're feeling depressed after an abortion, you are not alone and it'll take time but we will all heal when we are ready.

Editor's Comment

It is sad that you felt you were not able to make the decision yourself, and hard at 17 to stand up to that sort of pressure. I know that your parents probably felt this was the right option for you, but this is hard to accept if you felt that you didn't have a choice.
You are now going through a process of grief for your loss, and regreting what might have been. I think some people do heal in time, but for others they need help to work through these painful emotions. If you would like some post abortion support please look at the website as there are trained advisors available to listen, care and support you through this process.

This story was sent in on 14/07/2011

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