Never let anyone else influence your decision

By anonymous on 12/08/2011
I am now 23 and had an abortion when I was 15. I had just split up with my boyfriend that I really thought was the one. I found out I was pregnant when I was 8 weeks and told him. He didn't react too well at first but then we decided to give our relationship another go. I understand now why he wanted to. He then decided after a week if I was to keep my baby he wouldn't stay with me and didn't want anything to do with the baby. At the time I wasn't close to either of my parents. My dad wouldn't comment and my mum said it is up to you but I don't agree with you having a baby.

I felt so torn and before I knew it had been booked in for an abortion.

In those couple of weeks deep down I knew I wanted to keep the baby but I didn't want to lose my boyfriend. When it came to the day my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone and was late meeting me, so I went for a walk and kept thinking I really want this baby. I felt so confused and didn't know what to do. His dad managed to get hold of him and we picked him up on the way to the hospital. He stank of alcohol and I didn't comment at the time, too much was going on in my head.
As we were so late for the appointment the nurse said I didn't have time to speak to the duty counsellor so that I could talk to them about my decision. Before I went into theatre he said I love you and we will get through this. Before I knew it I was coming round but when I properly woke I couldn't stop crying, I realised what I had done.
My mum took me home and he said he would come round later to see me. He never came, he didn't answer his calls for weeks, then I found out he had been cheating on me for months. So I lost him and my baby in the same day.
I have always been told the pain you feel will get easy as it goes on but for me it hasn't since that day. I felt so empty most of the time like my heart has been ripped out. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of it.

What I can say is never let anyone else influence your decision.

I have friends that have had abortions and never really think about it, but they are happy with the decision they made. I don't expect this feeling to go away but I just want my life to be able to move forward from this. It is 8 years ago this Christmas and it has never got any easier.

Editor's Comment

It must have been frightening for you at 15 to try and make this decision with little support from your parents and a boyfriend being manipulative and pressurising you. I can understand how you felt pushed down the abortion route, although your heart was telling you that you wanted to keep the baby. It is also sad that there was bad practice at the hospital in hurrying you into surgery without counselling. It is recommended that everyone has an opportunity to speak to a counsellor to be sure about their decision, so it would have been wiser to postpone the procedure to alow you that time. I think it would help you to have some post abortion counselling now so that you give yourself a chance to move on from this tragedy. There is a very good programme called **The Journey** that has helped many women like yourself to work through some of these painful emotions. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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