An abortion at 18

I became pregnant at 18 for the first time. I'd just started having sex and was very ignorant about conceiving/contraception. So finding out I was pregnant was a massive shock. At first I felt numb, then scared, upset and stupid for being so irresponsible. The father (who I am still with) was my sister's ex boyfriend. He was 8 years older than me and no one knew we were seeing each other at the time. Because of this, and my young age, my boyfriend arranged an abortion.

I felt as though I didn't really have a choice about whether I wanted to keep the baby.

I felt a great sense of pressure to have an abortion just because of who the father was and our age difference. People's opinions on our situation if they found out weighed on my mind and had an impact on my decision. I also felt I was too young to go ahead with it. I hadn't had a chance to live life myself. I had plans to go to university. What did I have to offer this child?

That said all I could think about was this little life growing inside of me.

Wondering whether it was a boy or a girl. Trying to decide whether I was capable of going through an abortion. It was tearing me apart. I had no one to talk to about it. I didn't discuss how I was feeling with the father because I felt there was no point - I knew I was going to have to go through with it and talking about it would only upset me. I felt I had to be strong and put on a brave face.
My boyfriend only asked me once if I was happy to go through an abortion...that was outside the clinic. I wanted to say no so much but how could I? How could I go through with it and tell my family?

After having the abortion I felt a huge sense of loss.

I felt incredibly guilty and still do. I pined after my lost child and would cry myself to sleep some nights. I never spoke about my feelings to anyone, but buried them deep inside.
I recently found out I was pregnant again. This time I made the decision to have an abortion. My boyfriend wanted me to have the baby but didn't pressure me either way. My head was definitely ruling my heart this time and I concluded I was still too young to have a child and couldn't provide for it financially. However, this recent event has brought with it a new wave of emotions as well as resurrecting those from my first abortion.
I can't talk to my boyfriend about it because I feel so guilty for getting rid of a child he wanted to keep. I now realise I haven't truly grieved for my loss and am becoming increasingly irrational and angry.
I direct all these feelings towards my boyfriend because I somehow feel as though it's all his fault. I know this is wrong and that I am just as much to blame, but I despise how he doesn't ask me how I'm feeling as if anyone could go through such a thing and not feel anything. I know I need to get help to help me through this.

Editor's Comment

The emotions you are describing are sadness and grief that you buried after your first abortion, but have now surfaced again with the trauma of going through an abortion for the second time. You are transfering your emotional pain into anger and resentment towards your boyfriend and although it is not helpful that he won't talk to you about your feelings, he is probably worried about your reaction. People sometimes keep quiet for fear of opening up raw emotions that are difficult to deal with. I think you do need some help and support after all that you have been through, and would benefit from post abortion counselling. There is a very good programme called 'The Journey' which is specifically for support when an abortion has been very painful. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, get online counselling for post abortion support. , or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 19/08/2011 and it's been viewed 633 times.

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