I am now finally mourning all my losses

It's hard for me to put this experience down in words as I don't allow myself to think about it as a whole. It's easier for me to allow my brain to process one bit at time.
I believe all this pain and sadness goes back to my father passing away. My mum and him divorced when I was 10, I think in the remaning years of his life I probably saw him about 15 times. When I was 17 I found out that he had passed away. This has affected everything in my life up until now, I don't think I have ever properly dealt with my feelings. I couldn't properly focus on school, dropped out of university. I met B just before we both went to uni. When I dropped out of uni we were several hundred miles apart. I couldn't face it, I began to pull away from him, stopped returning his calls, it was as if I felt that I wasn't good enough for him, this broken person. I tried to hide it, put on my "happy face" everyone thought I was ok. I made one the biggest mistakes of my life beginning a relationship with a man I will call H who was nowhere near to my ideal, I became pregnant and denied it for 12 long weeks. At this time I was also still seeing B casually (on my part). I told B and a close friend about my abortion.

I still have the memory of the scan picture etched into my mind.

I cried when I woke up from the anaesthetic. I went to work the following day and plastered on my "happy face" again. B stuck by me the whole time I allowed him to be there for me, he put me back together again. I was in love, and up until August 10th I was beginning to feel happy again. Then I found out I was pregnant, I knew because I didn't want to smoke or eat meat. At nine weeks I had another abortion. I wanted to carry on with this pregnancy but B said we were too young, I thought that maybe because I knew it was his and we were happy it would turn out all right. But the reasons were still there. This abortion has brought all the pain that I've been hiding away inside me out.

I am now finally mourning all of my losses.

It's still hard for me to admit that I have had two abortions, the only people who know are B and now you. I feel ashamed that I could not admit it to myself. Me and B are still together and I could not imagine not seeing him everyday and appreciate him even more then ever. But the wounds on my heart are still there and I can't seem to stitch them back up.

Editor's Comment

There is only so much grief you can carry before it starts to spill out, and it sounds as though the second abortion caused a crack in your defenses that started the leak. The loss that you experienced with your parents splitting up and then your Dad dying may have numbed you to the feelings after the abortions until this point. It must be very painful for you to face all these losses together now, and probably overwhelming. If you would like some help and support as you try to come to terms with your grief there are advisors who can help you.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 13/09/2011 and it's been viewed 540 times.

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