An abortion at 23 weeks

I am just recently turned 18 years old and had an abortion on the 1st of july 2011 at 2:08. It honestly was the worst thing I could have ever done. I was 23 weeks pregnant with a little boy.
I went to all my scans and become so attached to my little boy. I was so happy I was going to be a mum. I never wanted to be a single mum living off the social but when I found out I was pregnant none of that crossed my mind, I just wanted to hold my baby.
I was with the father for 6 year, I got with him when I was 11 we broke up but were seeing each other again when I fell pregnant. I had no signs of being pregnant so I could easily hide it from everyone.

At 18 weeks pregnant it hit home I couldn't cope with a baby especially with my depression

Alone without the baby's father and no support from family as they are very religous. So I rang Marie Stopes and was seen the next week. I went to one of there clinic, I was given a scan, bloods were taken, questions and everything was discussed but I still knew that doing it would be the right thing for my son. Many people may judge me, and say what you like about me, but I had a choice to bring a baby where he has only got a mum who might be in and out of hospital his whole life while he is in care, or let him go before he has all that.
I couldn't have a child where they will not have been loved or looked after. On my 23rd week I went to a clinic in Brixton where I sat with a lady who came in for a scan of her baby and was so proud.
I went to get my patient tag done and a final scan. Then was led into a room where I took all my bottom half clothing off, and was given a skirt thing that looked like a curtain. I then went into the surgical room where I was greeted and was made to feel so comfortable. A man put a needle in my arm so that later on they could inject my drugs. I then laid back onto the table and the doctors place 4 tablets in my cervix that would release my cervix ready for labour.
I then went upstairs and sat on a chair. I started getting really bad period pains so I asked for some pain relief.
I was given a hot water bottle which normally does work. The pain got stronger and stronger, I sat up and lent forward and I felt loads of warm fluid come out of my vagina. I thought I had wet myself and was extremely embarrassed, but as I stood up a lot more had come out. It had only been 35mins since the doctor had placed the tablets in my cervix and I was told I wasn't allowed to go to the toilet for 1 hour so I immediately thought it wasn't going to work. I called a nurse and explain what had happened she told me my waters had broken then lead me to the toilet and helped me clean up.
I was so drowsy, I passed out in the toilet for 2 hours woke up and stumbled back to my bed. More fluid came out, so I got up again, sorted myself out and came back to my bed again.
Then as I was falling asleep the doctor told me to come with him to the surgery room. I laid down and a woman held my hand as I cried I was injected with pain killers and the anaesthetic. The last thing I remember saying on that bed was 'please don't let me die, my family don't know I'm here'. The woman giggled and said you will be fine sweetie it will be over in no time, sleep well. 20 mins later I woke up on a different bed back upstairs and they gave me a cup of tea and a biscuit. I was ready to get up and walked around with no pain.
I held my belly wishing that it was just a dream but it wasn't because my belly felt empty and he didn't kick like before.
I got back on the train and went home.

It has been 2 month 12 days since the abortion and I still hold my belly wishing I was pregnant

My little baby was in there, he would have been born the 11th november, but I had a difficult choice and I'm glad I saved that little boy from being brought up unwanted and unloved because his mum wouldn't be there for him.
This was my experience and not everyone's experience is the same. The other woman I was sitting with wanted the abortion because she didn't want children yet, she was laughing and joking the entire time trying to keep me happy. I had no one to talk to about any of this x

Editor's Comment

I am sorry that you were 18 weeks before you realised that you couldn't cope and didn't have the support network you would have needed to be able to continue the pregnancy. It must have been very hard to go through the abortion at such a late stage, and with no one there to support you. If you would like to have some help and support it is available through Careconfidential. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 13/09/2011 and it's been viewed 4,543 times.

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