I had a surgical abortion yesterday at 12 weeks. I am in a terrible way and need to get this off my chest.
Both my partner and I are 23 years old, a year out of university and just at the beginning of our careers. We found out I was pregnant at the beginning of August in the morning just before I had to leave for work. We spent the entire day texting each other about the situation.
He was incredibly adamant from the beginning that I had to have an abortion
Telling me over text to ring the doctor that day to organize it, asking me at 10 minute intervals if I had done it yet. I was in complete shock - I did not know what I wanted to do and I certainly wasn't ready to make a decision. I felt like I was being pushed and pressurized into doing something before I'd had a chance to think it over for myself, let alone talk it over with my partner. After telling him how I felt he agreed to talk it over, so we went to see the family planning clinic that evening to discuss the options. We both ruled out adoption for personal reasons, and my partner was still adamant it had to be abortion. After reflecting on it all day I was by this stage 80% certain that having an abortion was the wrong choice for me. Regardless of my feelings I still phoned the Early Pregnancy Unit the next day to make an appointment. I was still being pressurized by my partner who at this stage was less pushy but could not hide his eagerness to in his words "get this sorted" (i.e to have an abortion).
After phoning the clinic I got an appointment for two weeks time. During these next two weeks I became more and more sure that I wanted to keep my baby. I had become emotionally attached and had fallen in love with it. My partner's opinion during this time did not change, and if anything he became even more sure that abortion was the right course of action. This unsurprisingly caused us to argue an abnormal amount (which was not helped by my increased hormones heightening my emotions). We went to the appointment and the consultant booked me in for an abortion for 9 days time. They were good at the clinic, not being too pushy for either option; despite booking me in for an appointment the consultant could tell that I was not comfortable with it and told me that if I changed my mind I was under no obligation to turn up on the day.
During the next 9 days all I wanted to do was talk about it and discuss what we were going to do with my partner. However every time I tried to I felt he just got angry and frustrated with me, which led to me getting upset and crying.
Without explicitly saying so, my partner made it quite clear that if I didn't get rid of the baby I would be raising it on my own.
I am in no way against single parent families, but I was raised in a very close family with the most incredible mother and father anyone could wish for, and I knew that this is exactly what I wanted for my child. Between the two of us it would be viable for us both to keep our jobs, meaning we could afford to raise a child. We would not be rich but we would by no means be living in poverty; I know there are a lot of families out there who have no choice but to live on a lot less than we have who would count themselves lucky to have our joint income.
So with money and age not being an issue, I can honestly say the only reason I agreed to go through with the abortion was because of my partner. I didn't want to raise a baby on my own, I wanted to keep him happy and more selfishly I just couldn't lose him personally because I love him so intensely.
So when it came to the day I packed my bag and we went to hospital. However when we got there I was in an absolute state, crying so much my entire body was shaking and I was struggling to talk or even walk. After seeing me like this the doctors said they couldn't go through with it and sent me home. In front of all the doctors my partner had his arm around me, was stroking my hair, and agreeing with them that this was for the best. I was terrified that I had let him down because I wasn't strong enough so was incredibly relieved he was being so caring and supportive. However as soon as we got out the doors everything just changed - he was cold and angry, he couldn't touch me and refused to talk to me. He dropped me off at my house and drove off barely even mustering a goodbye.
I was scared, alone and had never felt more vulnerable or abandoned in my life.
He eventually started sending me one word texts and then came round late in the evening, only to be in a horrible mood and to shout and get angry with me basically because he hadn't got his way that day, despite me having made another appointment for the following fortnight (the earliest I could get).
The next two weeks continued like this. He was angry, would get frustrated over me for reasons unclear to me. He would shout and snap at me, then when I asked him not to he would deny that he had shouted or snapped. These last two weeks destroyed all the strength I had, they just wore me down until there was nothing left.
I was alone and terrified and all the while I was falling more and more in love with my baby.
Then yesterday came, I went to the hospital and I went through with it. He won and he got his own way. At various points throughout the last few weeks he had snapped at me "keep the f***ing baby!!", which he would claim was him not forcing me into it and apparently giving me a choice, all the while it couldn't have been more clear it was not much of a choice at all. He knew how I felt, he knew I loved the baby, that I had been feeling suicidal over the thought of getting rid of it and that I needed to keep it. One final time when I was lying in the hospital bed he told me in a barely audible voice to keep it if I wanted. He claimed to mean it when I asked but after his behavior over the last month and a half I for obvious reasons had trouble believing that he meant this. So I asked him as proof he meant it to tell the nurses when they came in to begin the process of termination to tell them we had changed our mind. The nurses came in and he walked away in silence and condemned me to the horrible fate he knew full well I would not be able to live with.
I needed him to be strong, I needed him to save me. All he could do was walk away in silence, and yet I still love him and hope to one day be able to forgive him.
I want my baby back.
A very sad story and I have to say that your partner's behaviour sounds quite emotionally abusive. I understand that this sort of situation can create very strong feelings when you both want different things, but no one has the right to pressurise another person in that way. My feeling is that you will struggle to salvage your relationship after such an experience, and your own self esteem and self worth must be at an all time low. If you would like some post abortion support it is available. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.