A medical abortion after failed emergency contraception

I was 17 when I started going out with my fiance, he was 5 years older, well educated and wealthy and treated me with such kindness , he proposed after 3 months. Both our familys were against sex before marriage but after 9 months we started sleeping together. After our 5th time I became pregnant.I took the morning after pill but it did not work. Me and my fiance had spoken about kids and as soon as we were married next year we would start trying. I was in shock and in complete denial. My first and only option that went through my brain was an abortion, my heart and body wanted the baby but not my head. I wouldn't bring shame on my family. After 3 weeks of feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life with sickness, I had the abortion. It was extremely hard hiding it from my family being sick all the time and trying to get off work for the early hospital appointments. On the Monday I went for my first appointment and they gave me the first tablet. Then on Wednesday I took the four other tablets for the medical abortion. As soon as I came out the hospital I started bleeding the pain was like a very bad period but lucky for me I have always had bad periods so I could cope with the pain. I went home and lay in bed for the next hour or two then when I stood up I had a very bad bleed and that was the pregnancy passing. My fiance was so fantastic but the pain I felt I just didn't want to see him. After two days I felt perfect no more sickness and I didn't feel pregnant.

Four days after I was inconsolable with grief.

I have always wanted a family and many kids. I know I have made the right choice but now my fiance's sister is having her second child and she will be due her baby at the same time I would have been, the pain and jealousy I felt was unreal when I found out. My boyfriend is amazing and it has brought us closer together and I can't wait to marry him next year in March. It can happen to anyone and all different types of people not just teenage girls. My boyfriend broke down just the other day I have never seen him cry before. I know he longs for a baby and so do I. The guilt I feel is unreal, I can't wait until we are married and start trying. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I just hope one day God will give me the child I long for. Take care everyone and make every choice well.

Editor's Comment

It sounds as though your values and beliefs did not feel comfortable with abortion but your head was telling you that the aggravation from your family would have been too much to handle. The pain that you and your fiance are now feeling comes from right inside of you, that part of you that you had to deny in order to go through the abortion. Knowing that your fiance's sister is having a baby at the same time yours would have been due is very painful and I'm afraid it will be a constant reminder.
It would help you and your fiance to have some post abortion counselling to try to process the pain and grief you are feeling, and help you to learn how to handle your previous due date, and other reminders. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 26/09/2011 and it's been viewed 1,065 times.

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