My daughter is 23 weeks pregnant and is having an abortion tomorrow

By anonymous on 20/10/2011
abortion at 23 weeks

My daughter is 19 and I feel she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life. In March after a six-week fight to keep her pregnancy going, she gave birth at 22 and a half weeks to a beautiful little tiny baby boy. She named him and we were able to spend 3 precious hours with him before he passed away. Tomorrow she will be 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant and is going to have a termination.

She decided early on that she wanted to terminate, as she is still grieving for her son and didn't feel she could risk it happening again. But her doctor told her he thought she needed to go away and think some more. She did this and went back after a few weeks saying she still felt the same.

I still supported her, but during a dating scan, she was told she was 17 weeks. The hospital wouldn't do it so told her she had to go back to her doctor to be referred somewhere else. She did this and he made it very difficult for her but referred her to a clinic that carried out later abortions.

I told her how I felt but told her I would support her and it was her choice.

But weeks went by while she was waiting for appointments. When she went for another scan she was told she was 21 weeks, I felt I could no longer keep quiet. She fought so hard for her lost son, and it devastated us all including herself and me.

She keeps pictures of him and we talk about him all the time

I don't understand, it is a healthy pregnancy, she knows what the baby will look like, how big it is, she has felt it move around, her belly has grown so big, and she looks lovely.

I suggested she should think about other options like adoption and suggested a family member who I know would bring the baby up. I also said I would bring the baby up until she felt ready. I have begged and pleaded with her not to go ahead. I and the clinic have told her what she faces, but tomorrow she starts the procedure.

There is nothing more I can say. I can't stop crying, we had just become closer after her first baby died and now I can't even look at her. I can't look at pictures of the baby she lost because I can't separate his life from this baby's life. I have so many questions. I ask her and she just says she doesn't know, like, 'why is this baby different from the last'? and 'what is it that scares you so much'?

Don't get me wrong, I believe all women should have the right to choose, whatever the circumstances, but this is my daughter, my grandchild. I know my daughter, I know how she hurts and I know this decision has been made out of fear of going through it again. Of course, I love her and would never turn my back. And she is being offered support and counselling for the loss of both of her babies, and I will always be there for her.

But how do I come to terms with this? I can't even talk to anyone about it, nobody knows. My head is all over the place, my heart is hurting and I can't stop crying.

Editor's comment

Thank you for sharing your story. It is very hard to support our children and to stand by while we feel they are making decisions that we consider will make things tougher for them. It sounds like your daughter has a caring mother, but one who is personally struggling with the impact of her daughter's decision and feeling a range difficult emotions. It may be helpful for you to talk in confidence to a trained advisor so that you have a listening ear at this difficult time. Follow this link to find your nearest centre for crisis pregnancy support in your area.

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