A medical abortion 2 years ago
When I found out I called my best friend in floods of tears. That whole day I was a mess and it still makes me anxious just thinking about it. I told my mum later that day, we don't have a particularly open relationship but I felt about 5 and needed my mum.
I am so glad I told her. She asked me what I wanted to do and I think she was quite taken aback at how sure I was but she didn't say anything to change my mind. I don't know what her views were and we never mention it now but for those few weeks while we were sorting appointments she was amazing.
I found out on a bank holiday so had to wait until the tuesday to go to the doctors. I was terrified this whole time. I knew I couldn't be more than 5 weeks pregnant and had looked briefly at the options but looking online I found it was scary with all the information.
My trip to the doctors was horrific. I felt sick and hot and stressed and my GP didn't do alot to reassure me. More than anything I just wanted someone to tell me that it would be "sorted" soon and in time for Uni where I could make a fresh start.
My mum chased up the doctors and luckily because she was so persistent I got an appointment at the hospital the following week where I could discuss the options. They were so friendly and reassuring and not judgemental at all. I had the scan which was the weirdest part for me but that was over in a few minutes and once I had told them my decision they arranged the appointment to have a medical abortion the following week.
I knew this would be painful but I felt it should be a punishmentI've seen a few others say this which is reassuring. I went in on the wednesday to have the first lot of pills and had to go back in on the saturday to finish the process.
Despite all the leaflets I felt completely baffled by it all. By this point I was completely numb to it all. I dont think I could have cried anymore if I tried. It wasn't what was happening, but regret that I had got myself into this position in the first place that got me so upset most of the time.
The final part was fairly straight forward, I went on my own which I think was best for me as I felt calmer without my friend/mum asking me if I was ok. I would have also felt guilty dragging them out to be with me. I think because I had been so calm when I was there it was over fairly quickly. Within three hours I had passed a pretty big clot and I felt instantly better. I think more than hormones etc it was the stress of those few weeks that made me feel sick. I left shortly after they gave me the implant, and my friend picked me up and stayed with me for a few hours.
I felt so much relief after, none of it really sunk in. A week later I moved to Uni where I felt fine and didn't give it much thought. I met my boyfriend there and I told him everything. He was really understanding and that was a relief. Three months ago however we broke up and since then I have found it really hard to deal with the abortion. I think when I first went to uni I needed someone to look after me and he did, so I never really had to deal with any issues. Now I don't know what to think. I don't regret it but I feel constantly stressed about it and it's been on my mind alot. I'm not close to the friend I told anymore and I don't want to talk to my mum about it. I feel like it was someone else's life when I look back and don't really know how to process/cope with how I feel. Mostly I feel ok but wish I had dealt with things properly at the time so I didn't feel this way now.