A medical abortion 2 years ago

Two years ago I had an abortion. I was seeing a friend casually and was a month away from going to university when I found out. I was completely devastated. I knew immediately I wasn't going to keep it. For me it was never an option, I had a whole new life to look forward to and in my head this wasn't going to change it. When I found out I called my best friend in floods of tears. That whole day I was a mess and it still makes me anxious just thinking about it. I told my mum later that day, we don't have a particularly open relationship but I felt about 5 and needed my mum.
I am so glad I told her. She asked me what I wanted to do and I think she was quite taken aback at how sure I was but she didn't say anything to change my mind. I don't know what her views were and we never mention it now but for those few weeks while we were sorting appointments she was amazing. I found out on a bank holiday so had to wait until the tuesday to go to the doctors. I was terrified this whole time. I knew I couldn't be more than 5 weeks pregnant and had looked briefly at the options but looking online I found it was scary with all the information. My trip to the doctors was horrific. I felt sick and hot and stressed and my GP didn't do alot to reassure me. More than anything I just wanted someone to tell me that it would be "sorted" soon and in time for Uni where I could make a fresh start. My mum chased up the doctors and luckily because she was so persistent I got an appointment at the hospital the following week where I could discuss the options. They were so friendly and reassuring and not judgemental at all. I had the scan which was the weirdest part for me but that was over in a few minutes and once I had told them my decision they arranged the appointment to have a medical abortion the following week.

I knew this would be painful but I felt it should be a punishment

I've seen a few others say this which is reassuring. I went in on the wednesday to have the first lot of pills and had to go back in on the saturday to finish the process. Despite all the leaflets I felt completely baffled by it all. By this point I was completely numb to it all. I dont think I could have cried anymore if I tried. It wasn't what was happening, but regret that I had got myself into this position in the first place that got me so upset most of the time. The final part was fairly straight forward, I went on my own which I think was best for me as I felt calmer without my friend/mum asking me if I was ok. I would have also felt guilty dragging them out to be with me. I think because I had been so calm when I was there it was over fairly quickly. Within three hours I had passed a pretty big clot and I felt instantly better. I think more than hormones etc it was the stress of those few weeks that made me feel sick. I left shortly after they gave me the implant, and my friend picked me up and stayed with me for a few hours. I felt so much relief after, none of it really sunk in. A week later I moved to Uni where I felt fine and didn't give it much thought. I met my boyfriend there and I told him everything. He was really understanding and that was a relief. Three months ago however we broke up and since then I have found it really hard to deal with the abortion. I think when I first went to uni I needed someone to look after me and he did, so I never really had to deal with any issues. Now I don't know what to think. I don't regret it but I feel constantly stressed about it and it's been on my mind alot. I'm not close to the friend I told anymore and I don't want to talk to my mum about it. I feel like it was someone else's life when I look back and don't really know how to process/cope with how I feel. Mostly I feel ok but wish I had dealt with things properly at the time so I didn't feel this way now.

Editor's Comment

The relief that many women feel when the crisis is over can stop them from seeing emotions that are still present under the surface. You had a big change going on in your life as you moved away from home and started a new life at university. This must have taken all your thoughts and energy, but now that you are more settled the emotions that you perhaps pushed down are now surfacing. Some people do need time and help to process the emotions after an abortion and I would encourage you to get help from someone trained in post abortion support. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.