I lay there and thought to myself my baby's gone

surgical abortion »

I am 16 years old and had an abortion recently. It was quite honestly the biggest regret I've ever made.

My boyfriend and I had been in an on and off relationship for 5 years and stupidly we didn't use protection pretty much ever. I thought to myself what are the chances?

I had just got back off holiday and told my boyfriend I had missed a period. He went out and bought 2 pregnancy tests. I did the first one and nothing happened... It stayed negative so I thought to myself it must just be my period mucking up.

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So I went upstairs and my boyfriend called me down and showed me the pregnancy test again... It was positive. My face just froze. I did the second one and this time it came up positive straight away. I didn't tell my mum or anybody about this. I thought they'd be so ashamed of me. Abortion was the first thing I and my boyfriend considered so I booked an appointment at the clinic the following week.

I had just started college so I had to skip it. The nurse referred me to have the abortion the following week.

I went to the hospital and had a scan. I was 11 weeks 6 days. I was told I had to have it removed surgically and had to have it the following week.

So I went home and waited for the next hospital trip.

Again skipping college, I went prepared with my boyfriend.

I got taken into a room with 3 other older women who were also having an abortion. The nurse came over to me and said are you ready?

My mind just froze, I couldn't do it! So they sent me back home.

A week past and I thought I've got to tell my mum. So I texted her to tell her (Not the best way I know).

Surprisingly she was so understanding about it. She told me that whatever decision you make, I'll stick by you. But I knew deep down she wanted me to have an abortion. I didn't want to let her down.

My boyfriend and I didn't stop arguing after we found out. Things between us got bad. It was just a blur. He started calling me names, putting me down all the time. I didn't do anything but cry.

I decided I wanted to keep the baby

My boyfriend just seemed to go along with it.

I told my mum and she said to book an appointment with the doctor so he could then start to book me up with the midwife. I was finally happy.

On the day I went to ring up the doctors, I asked my boyfriend 'do you really want this baby' he said back "I'm not ready".

My mind froze, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be 16 bringing up a baby on my own. Everybody could tell how much I wanted this. But I was scared.

He rung up the clinic and booked me for an abortion. He wasn't even there for me. My mum came along with me. I didn't want it at all. I had another scan and my baby was wriggling around so much, the nurse couldn't measure it to find out the exact dates.

I see my angel. I thought to myself you cheeky thing, you're just like your dad. I was texting him at the time and said I don't think I can do it. He said back "you're strong you can". I loved him so much! I stupidly did anything he asked! I got taken into the room and sat down.

The nurse handed me 4 tablets. I hesitated, crying my eyes out I swallowed all 4. There was no going back :(

I just lay there alone closing my eyes, crying. The pain was horrible. After a few hours, I got taken into the room to have the procedure. I lay there and the last thing I remember was the doctors talking to me to try to relax me.

I woke up, still out of it from the anaesthetic. I got wheelchaired into recovery. I lay there and thought to myself my baby's gone.

I honestly have never regretted anything so much in my life! I felt heartbroken and empty.

There hasn't been a day gone by that I don't cry and wish for my angel to come back. It goes to show that you should never do something you don't want to. EVER.

The pain and suffering I've been left to deal with are horrible and it's my fault!

I sit and pray to my angel at night and beg for forgiveness. I love him so much and I believe its spirit remains with me always. I love you so much, my angel :(

Always in my heart, never forgotten x

Editor's comment

That is a very sad and painful story. You did not want to have the abortion but felt pressurised by your boyfriend, and afraid that you would lose him if you chose to keep the pregnancy. It is sad that no one was there to really talk this through with you and find out your true feelings. When you are young people often assume that abortion is the best option, but the emotional pain you are going through now suggests that this may not have been right for you. Please contact a centre to get help and support through this difficult time. You can follow the link to find a centre for post-abortion support in your area.

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