A poem of grief and regret
When I knew you were there, I wanted to cry. I was simply too happy, I felt I could fly.
But when I told your Daddy, his face just fell. What he told me to do was my idea of hell.
Then came the phonecall that I had to make. It was 20th February, you would meet your fate.
We drove to the clinic, your Daddy and me, I cried as he said, 'Please take our baby'.
I lay on the table as the operation began, I look back now and wish I had ran.
Through all of the pain and all of the noises, I lay and I sobbed. I felt so violated as my baby was robbed.
The nurse wiped my tears and said now be strong, this is what you wanted all along.
I wanted to shout it was him not me, he just didn't want our precious baby.
They said goodbye and wished me well, Ha! How ironic, my life was now hell.
'Come here' said your Dad trying to give me a hug. 'Just don't' I replied as I tried to run.
He reasoned and said, 'It's not the right time, one day I promise you a baby of mine'.
I cried for days, I couldn't explain. My precious baby had gone and everything had changed.
Nearly two years on, my heart still aches. Thinking of you gone, my heart just breaks.
What I would give to go through your labour. To see your beautiful face, a moment I would savour.
But I gave up on chance of holding you tight. I gave up my dreams of rocking you at night.
Your Daddy, well he left me, pretty much straight after. I was left all alone longing to hear your laughter.
I have your baby brother now, he's an absolute delight. But I know in my heart, when the stars come out at night. You are all around us, every single day, watching over all of us in every single way.
I sometimes feel that I have no right to grieve for a baby for whom I did not fight. I should have said no, leave my baby alone, she's warm, safe and snug inside her little home.
That February morning my whole life changed. There is nothing about me that had remained the same. I would give anything to turn back the clock, to make it all different, to make it all stop.
Part of me went with you that day, I think of all the words you'll never say. I think of all the things know. And how I never got to say to you, hello.
Please know that I'm sorry, please forgive me today. For the rest of my life, I will have to pay. I. miss you so much, it breaks me apart. Goodbye my baby, live on in my heart.