I can't let go of the pain, anguish and loss.

I hope one day my story may save the life of a baby and it's mother.
It's three days until Christmas and I can't let go of the pain, anguish and loss I feel.
I fell in love with my boyfriend after 2 months of being together. He lived with me early on, as it was like a whirlwind romance at first. He told me he loved me two weeks into us being together and he got serious with me very early into the relationship.
Things began though to get turbulent between us after he began to raise my suspicions and I found a message from another women on his phone. 3 months into the relationship I fell pregnant. However, he didn't want to keep the baby, and he began to turn cold towards me.I was happy being pregnant,but I had a 13 year old boy to look after,a full time job and problems with my blood sugar levels, which kept dropping. This I think was due to the stress of being with this unemotional man, who could not bond with anything.

I had decided to have a termination, as he kept saying there was him as well as me to consider

He said that the relationship wasn't strong enough and that his parents would not speak to him if I stayed pregnant. Even when we visited the doctors he did all the talking and became quite pushy for an abortion to be arranged.It was emotionally and psychologically exhausting for me and a week later he left me alone and went away for a week before the termination. He returned though three days before to ensure I went ahead with it.
The termination was more painful than child birth and I was physically sick from the pain and distress.
The next day my boyfriend told me to leave him alone, that he would call the police if I didn't and then he left me. He had his family to go to, only an hour and a half away. I was left alone, with my family being 4 hours away and I could not drive to see them.

I regret the abortion everyday, and realise I should have finished the relationship and kept the baby.

I now suffer from depression, panic attacks and I run everyday to hide the pain. We've met twice to talk since then and had phone calls and both times he told me he didn't want a serious relationship. If the termination and him leaving wasn't distressing and upsetting enough he went into work on the following Monday and told his side of the story of how our relationship was over to his boss and work colleagues. Rumours of what happened soon then got to my workplace and people were talking bad of me, as we work in the same industry. He now tells me to leave him alone, as he no longer cares for me and now has a new girlfriend.
I do not feel I could meet anyone else for some time.The pain of giving up my baby and losing him at the same time is just too much to cope with. I have since been informed that he is prone to infidelity and doesn't treat women well...I ask myself now was it all worth it?? I should never have listened to him.

Editor's Comment

This sounds like a destructive relationship in which your boyfriend enjoyed the initial romance but not the commitment involved. It is very sad that you felt pressurised into the abortion, and isolated from family support. As you say you are now dealing with 2 major losses; a relationship that you believed to be serious, and your baby. These are painful emotions to work through and I would encourage you to seek help. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 22/12/2011 and it's been viewed 492 times.

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