A surgical abortion at 7 weeks and 6 days
At this point all I wanted to do was run out the room and not go through with it. She then said 'Yeah your 7 weeks and 6 days'. I hate myself and can't understand why I didn't ask the lady 'What happens if I've changed my mind?' But the thought of going back to my boyfriend saying I'm not going through with it was too much.
My boyfriend and his family had been so suportive, so I'm not sure why I thought I couldn't stand up for my baby and myself. I knew my boyfriend wouldn't have been happy but looking back now we would have made it work. At the time I was so scared I wanted it all to be over. I was then taken back to my boyfriend in the waiting room, I couldn't even speak or look at him I just looked at the floor until we both got called into the room to pay for the procedure.
It makes me sick knowing I payed to abort my baby.Within 10 minutes I got called to go down to theatre my boyfriend was taken upstairs to wait. He looked so scared. We went downstairs and I sat on a chair with curtains around for privacy I got told to take everything off and put on a gown. I'll never forget waiting, I was so scared I felt so alone. I could hear all the staff talking about their lives it was like they had forgotton what these women are going through. They didn't seem to care. I walked to theatre with this women she was lovely. I cried the second I walked into the room. The lady sat me on the bed and asked if this was what I wanted. In my head I was saying 'No' but I said to her 'Yeah this is what I want' She layed me down and it seemed to happen so quick, I was given an oxygen mask, another man was putting something tight on my arm and this lady said you can hold my hand, and said your feel a prick but I'll be here when you wake up. I remember waking up and crying I felt relived it was over. I was given antibiotics and a few leaflets and then sent home. I had slight cramps on the way home but I would say I felt very well considering what had happend. It was three days later I started bleeding which lasted 2 days with clots. The clots came at the same time, so my recovery I would say was very good and I'd say I was lucky. But now the emotional recovery starts, I think about it everyday, I talk to my baby all the time. I say sorry for what I've done. I feel guilty how everyone just seemed to be negative about the baby when I was pregnant, I tell my baby it wasn't their fault. I know things will get easier with time but I will never ever forget my baby. But if you are pregnant. Please please don't do it for someone else, even if you think you are doing it for yourself just take a minute and think.
When I was pregnant I couldn't think straight, my hormones were everywhere and I was so worried about the future. I just wanted it to be over, not wanting the pregnancy to be over just the worrying. I didn't realise that until it was too late. I know now, it would have been hard but not as hard as having to live with aborting my baby, because once my baby had been born it would have been okay.
Editor's CommentIt is a very difficult time in early pregnancy, when your hormone levels are changing so quickly, to try to make such an enormous decision. I can understand you feeling that you could not think straight and I think you need time and space to talk it over with someone independent and think through all your thoughts and feelings. Recovering emotionally is often a difficult journey, and some of the guilt and anger you describe are feelings that can cause a lot of pain and turmoil. If you would like post abortion support please contact CareConfidential. Many advisors are especially trained to support women like you through this difficult process, and they do understand what you are going through. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 21/12/2011