When I was pregnant I couldn't think straight, my hormones were everywhere and I was so worried about the future

By anonymous on 21/12/2011
surgical abortion bpas abortion 7 weeks

I had a Surgical Abortion in October 2011 at 7 weeks 6 days. At 18, and my boyfriend 19, we couldn't decide what to do, we must have changed our minds at least 3 times. But after talking about it and thinking about the future and how it had put strain on our relationship already, we knew it would be for the best.

I was so worried at the time, I honestly didn't know what I wanted, I couldn't even think straight. I wish I had been thinking straight because nothing is worth feeling the guilt and anger I do now. The day of the abortion I was so scared, more about what was going to happen to me and what was involved.

I felt the staff at BPAS weren't helpful at all and were rude considering what me and my boyfriend were going through. We arrived at 9am and I was taken on my own to talk about what was going to happen that day. The lady was rude and didn't seem interested in me at all, which made me feel worse than I already did.

Then we were taken to another waiting room to wait to be seen by a nurse who would take my blood and would do a scan. Again I was taken in on my own. I had blood taken and had a scan.

I will never ever forget the feeling when I had my scan it all of a sudden seemed real, my pregnancy hadn't seemed real until this point. I saw her moving it about on my stomach, all I wanted to do was look at the screen and see my baby. To think the only person to see my baby was this old woman who I will never see again, I can't describe the sadness I feel.

At this point all I wanted to do was run out the room and not go through with it. She then said 'Yeah your 7 weeks and 6 days'. I hate myself and can't understand why I didn't ask the lady 'What happens if I've change my mind?'. But the thought of going back to my boyfriend saying I'm not going through with it was too much.

My boyfriend and his family had been so suportive, so I'm not sure why I thought I couldn't stand up for my baby and myself. I knew my boyfriend wouldn't have been happy but looking back now we would have made it work.

At the time I was so scared I wanted it all to be over. I was then taken back to my boyfriend in the waiting room, I couldn't even speak or look at him I just looked at the floor until we both got called into the room to pay for the procedure.

It makes me sick knowing I paid to abort my baby

Within 10 minutes I got called to go down to theatre, my boyfriend was taken upstairs to wait. He looked so scared. We went downstairs and I sat on a chair with curtains around for privacy.

I was told to take everything off and put on a gown. I'll never forget waiting, I was so scared, I felt so alone. I could hear all the staff talking about their lives it was like they had forgotton what all these women were going through. They didn't seem to care.

I walked to theatre with this woman, she was lovely. I cried the second I walked into the room. The lady sat me on the bed and asked if this was what I wanted. In my head I was saying 'No' but I said to her 'Yeah this is what I want'.

She layed me down and it seemed to happen so quick. I was given an oxygen mask, another man was putting something tight on my arm and this lady said you can hold my hand. She said you'll feel a prick but I'll be here when you wake up.

I remember waking up and crying, I felt relived it was over. I was given antibiotics and a few leaflets and then sent home.

I had slight cramps on the way home but I would say I felt very well considering what had happend. It was three days later I started bleeding which lasted 2 days with clots. The clots came at the same time, so my recovery I would say was very good and I'd say I was lucky.

But now the emotional recovery starts, I think about it everyday, I talk to my baby all the time. I say sorry for what I've done. I feel guilty about how everyone just seemed to be negative about the baby when I was pregnant, I tell my baby it wasn't their fault.

I know things will get easier with time but I will never ever forget my baby. But if you are pregnant. Please please don't do it for someone else, even if you think you are doing it for yourself just take a minute and think.

When I was pregnant I couldn't think straight, my hormones were everywhere and I was so worried about the future. I just wanted it to be over, not wanting the pregnancy to be over, just the worrying. I didn't realise that, until it was too late. I know now, it would have been hard but not as hard as having to live with aborting my baby, because once my baby had been born it would have been okay.

Editor's comment

It is a very difficult time in early pregnancy, when your hormone levels are changing so quickly, to try to make such an enormous decision. I can understand you feeling that you could not think straight and I think you need time and space to talk it over with someone independent and think through all your thoughts and feelings.

Recovering emotionally is often a difficult journey, and some of the guilt and anger you describe are feelings that can cause a lot of pain and turmoil. If you would like post abortion support please contact a centre. Many advisors are especially trained to support women like you through this difficult process, and they do understand what you are going through.

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