I should have a 23 year old now

I am 39 and pregnant.
When I was 18 and with my first boyfriend, I got pregnant. I had gone to the doctors but felt too shy to ask for contraception, how mad is that??
I knew I was pregnant before I had even missed a period. I just felt different in myself, my breasts were painful and I was constantly being sick. My skin erupted into large red boils and my hair was lank and greasy. Even the smell of my boyfriend's skin made me physically sick so spending time with him was a no no.
I confided in my parent, my mum was so lovely telling me that if I wanted to have the baby, they would be there for me, but I had already made up my mind.

I didn't want it, I didn't want to be a mum, didn't want to have a baby, didn't want to feel the way I was feeling anymore.

I wouldn't talk to anyone about it..I shut it out. The night before I had the termination I remember just lying in my bed sobbing my heart out wanting my mum to come into me. Am not sure why now. Maybe comfort? Maybe to stop me from going through with it?

I am crying as I write this. I can't believe that I did this to my own baby

..a tiny thing that was growing inside me..that needed me and I destroyed it. I feel bad that I never discussed anything with my boyfriend. I don't even know what he wanted, it was all about me. I am pregnant now and don't feel like I deserve to have a child. I almost feel like terminating this baby as what sort of mother would I make??
I should have a 23 year old now and I took that life away before it even began. I have an appointment with a counsellor this Monday as I don't feel like I will ever get over this.

Editor's Comment

Sometimes a subsequent pregnancy triggers a lot of emotions that may have been buried for years. Your description sounds as though you remember every feeling and detail even though it was over 20 years ago. It also seems as though you want to punish yourself for what happened and refuse to allow yourself the pleasure of being a mother and enjoying this pregnancy. I think it will help you to see a counsellor to talk things through. At some point I think what would be most helpful would be to do The Journey post abortion support programme which would enable you to look at some of these very painful memories you describe. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 06/01/2012

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