A 16 year old who had an abortion she regreted

By anonymous on 25/01/2012
My Story

It all began too quickly, I’d got involved with someone who had two children and was older than I was. I was only sixteen; I’d dropped out of college after two months after realising my course wasn’t for me and fell into a relationship that was just sex. At first it was fun and risky any moment his ex could have walked in, but there was the problem she was my friend. I’d been arguing with my mum a lot and had to move out and lodge in a bedroom in someone’s house. The day I moved in was January 22nd little did I know I was pregnant.
It was my fault I hadn’t protected myself from it. It happened so quickly it only took two months. My doctor thought I was crazy, I went week after week for pregnancy tests, I kept doing home tests but they all came back negative.

The thing was I KNEW I was pregnant I just knew.

Then the final time I was going to go to the doctor for a test I did one the night before and that came back negative, I wasn’t going to go in the morning but I went and that was when my life was going to change, the line came back faint but the test was positive, the doctor kind of laughed, I’ve never felt so alone, as the positive line was faint I had to go back the following Wednesday and the test was positive. Little did I know at this point that I was already six weeks pregnant. The doctor signed a form and referred me on to the people that could solve my problem.
I sat in the waiting room in the clinic never having been so scared in all my life I was called through to a room where there was a scanning machine I had no idea they were going to do a scan, that was where it hit home.

I could see my baby there in front of me in black and white

I asked for a picture and they gave me one after I made up a story about needing it, they asked me to come back the following week for another scan and that would be when all the paper work would be completed.
In the mean time all I could think about was the baby inside me growing all I did was look on the internet about the size. Looking at people's stories on abortions made me unable to decide what to do, I spent most of my days smoking weed and trying to forget what was happening, I was destroying myself I couldn’t cope with knowing I was pregnant. When I went back for the next scan a week later I asked for the picture again. I was also given a date the 22nd March, I would be ten weeks pregnant and would have to have an operation.
I spent the next three weeks debating what to do, the dad was telling me it was the right thing to do it wasn’t fair on any of us cause of the situation, how could I provide for the baby, my mum had kicked me out, I had no job, my life was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would stare longing at the scan pictures; I would even write letters to my baby. I would talk to it, silly really but I couldn’t decide what to do.
The day came half seven I was awake, before I knew it I was at the hospital and my name was called realisation just wasn’t hitting I was sat in my little room waiting I was told to take some antibiotics, it wasn’t long before I was asked to put a tablet in my cervix I was sat looking at the tablet and that was the first time I realised I was going to do this, I did it.

I put the tablet in myself there was no turning back.

The nurse put a drip in my hand and I was asked to put a hospital nightie on and paper pants I was then walked to theatre. I remember the room being bare, I was so scared I laid on the bed and the nurse held my hand, I was being put under but I was shouting my heads going numb, the next thing I knew I woke up screaming.
There was no one in recovery but some one came when they heard me screaming, they wheeled me past all the other girls they all looked so scared.
I was hysterical I’d ripped my drips and canulas out and once I was dressed I was demanding they let me go which they wouldn’t until I’d eaten something they handed me a sandwich. I was still screaming, so they gave me a biscuit instead.
I left then the rest of that day was a blur, I slept for most of it. For the following week I was in the worst pain imaginable.

I cried and cried I just wished my baby back.

A few days later I moved back in with my mum I needed to be close to the people I love. Within a week of moving in with my mum I got a job I didn’t want to have done that to my baby without justification, as I could of stayed doing nothing and had my baby, I had to have a reason something to say you could of done that if you were pregnant.
Now a year on I wish my baby back everyday, I’m not a believer in god but it brings me comfort in thinking my baby is up there with my auntie looking after it. I wish I could turn back time, as I would never do it again not because of the physical pain because I would go through anything to have my baby in my arms. I want my baby to know how sorry I am and how much I love it.

Nothing or no one could ever fill that hole I have in my heart, nothing will ever change what I did.

I’ve contemplated ending it all to see my baby.
I would never judge anybody for having an abortion, I would advise people to look at other options there are people to talk to, the doctors may never ask you do you want to do this, but you can do other options. Please don’t feel alone there are millions of young girls who are in your position. You don’t realise what you have and what guilt you will feel until after. Please don’t make the worst mistake of your life like I did.

Rest in peace baby mummy loves you 23/03/2011

Editor's Comment

I am so sorry you have had such a horrible experience. It sounds as though you were swept down the abortion route without being able to think through your options and make an informed choice. You were very vulnerable having moved out of home at 16, and cut off from those who could help and support you. I hope that you can access help and support through this website You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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