I found out I was pregnant in March of this year, a day before I was due to sign the papers for my very first property.
My decision to take this course was based on the fact the father would maybe have financially supported the child but certainly would have not shown any emotional support for him or her. I would have been on my own, as I have no real family to speak of.
On the day of my termination I had second thoughts - I asked the nurse to see the scan and asked her in detail to tell me what she could see. I was very early. She struggled to pinpoint anything but eventually saw 2 very tiny small clusters of cells. I asked if there was a heart or pulse and she said no. I reasoned that if this was the case it made what I was doing not seem so real, but I don’t know who I was trying to convince!! Again, before I went back for the second tablet the next day I still had second thoughts but again went through with it as I saw no way out. Of course what I really wanted was someone to say, ‘its ok, don’t do it. I will help you’ but that, of course, never happened.
It’s been about 2 months now and the pain is very consuming and I still have nightmares. I made the choice and I have to live with it. I could have been a single mother but I chose not to be. I still see the father around but he isn’t interested. As far as he is concerned it is over, life goes on. I am making him the focus for all my anger, every time I feel sad I call him and go mad because he shows no emotion whatsoever. I have to stop cos I am just hurting myself. He just thinks, ‘here we go again, the same old story’.
I stand by what I did and hope dearly one day the sadness will go and I will be able to move on and have a good life and hopefully, one day, children. The one bit of advice I would give to anyone considering a termination is take time. I acted very quickly and out of panic but I just hope time will prove it was the right one.
Editor’s note; Thank you for sharing your story with us…you seem to be in a whirl of conflicting thoughts, saying that it was the right decision yet you wanted someone to say to you, ‘Don’t do it. I will help you…’ It sounds as if your head is telling you one thing but your heart is saying something completely different. Whatever the circumstances of your pregnancy led you to decide, you are in pain. I can hear sadness, guilt, anger and loss as well as a need to make it OK in spite of these feelings. I think you are really struggling with these overwhelming emotions. They won’t just go away – you may choose to somehow bury them, retreat within yourself and struggle on, but we are here because we understand the pain you feel and have found ways to help women like you through it. Now is the time for you to be honest with yourself about how you have been affected and to seek support that will enable you to recover and be yourself again. Please ring the helpline, visit your nearest centre or use Online Advisor. I know there is hope for you.