I should have been 27 week pregnant with my second child instead I've got a empty hole.

I should have been 27 week pregnant with my second child instead I've got a empty hole. It all happened so quick at my 12 week scan they found a abnormality with my baby's brain and if I continued with the pregnancy the baby would die, so me and my husband went for an abortion, the only option I felt we had.
I was 13 weeks gone and looking at the scan you could not tell there was something wrong.

He was perfect in every other way, apart from most his brain tissue missing.

So the next day I went in and had the tablet and went home, I was told to come 2 days later and in that moment I knew I had to say goodbye to my child who was growing inside me.
A mothers womb is the safest place for a baby, yet mine was the death of my baby. I couldn't protect him. I failed as a mother and as a women.
Words can't discribe those 2 days of pain and anger.
I went in on friday morning and they got me settled in my own room. By 10 they inserted a tablet up me and then another by 1 clock. By 2pm I started bleeding and then the pain started which lasted 2 hours, but it was so bad. It was really bad contraction, no other word can discribe them. They gave me gas and air, and morphine, and although I was in so much pain, in a way I was glad I felt I gave birth the last thing a mother could do for her baby.
The pain stopped but the baby hadn't come. By 2pm the next day I went to the toilet and he just slid out, all of him in one piece. I didn't look. Later the nurse brought him in, all wrapped up nice and warm with a blue shawl ontop. He was so tiny, about 8 inches, red raw but all in 1 piece and he look perfect. By looking you couldn't tell there was something wrong.
You could just make out it was a boy, they didn't tell me though.
That image of my baby is constantly in my head, I'm always thinking about it. It doesn't help that me and my sister were due a few days apart while she's looking at the scan of her baby, I'm looking at the picture we took of my dead baby.
I'm trying again, but it seems to be taking a long time, it's nearly 4 months but I still miss him.

Editor's Comment

You must be grieving such a sad loss, and although you felt that you failed your son, it sounds as though you were told that he would not have survived with this disability. I am sure you long to be pregnant again, and very hard to watch your sister going through her pregnancy. Give yourselves time to grieve your loss and come to terms with it, you need to be gentle on yourselves. If you would like to speak to an advisor about your loss please contact careConfidential find a centre for baby loss support in your area.
This story was sent in on 08/05/2012 and it's been viewed 478 times.

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