How could I terminate my baby when it hurt so much to lose the 2 we had already lost.

It hurts me to write this. How I wish I had done things so differently. My partner had recently had a vasectomy and we were using protection, so I don't know what happened. I thought I was pregnant, but had got a negative test result, even had a normal, but late period and went to the dr to get on the pill to make sure we didn't have a scare again. Then I started to feel really sick, more than I did with my other pregnancies.

I tested again, expecting it to be negative, and to my utter shock, it was positive.

My little boy was not long turned a year, my daughter was 9. I wasn't ready to have a baby again. I was very overweight at the time, and also was when I was pregnant with my son. Previously I had had 2 miscarriages, which I was told was due to my weight, I was devastated, and blamed myself for the losses.
This is another reason why a termination was such a difficult decision. How could I terminate my baby when it hurt so much to lose the 2 we had already lost.
Whilst pregnant with my son,because I was still overweight, I was so stressed out that something bad would happen the whole pregnancy, I wasn't in a great place mentally. I didn't feel I could cope with the stress again. My partner was/is suffering from severe depression, we were struggling for money, had no space and I found out that the pill I had started taking, could seriously damage the baby's development. My head was a total blur, I cried constantly. I just didn't know what to do. I had always been set totally against abortion. Said I would never ever do it. I'm so lucky I have a supportive family. I explained the situation to my mum and dad, they where fantastic, and I thank them for that. After many hours of talking it through with my partner (who was not really able to cope at the time) and my parents, I went to see the Dr. I couldn't even bring myself to say "the" word! I was so low from feeling sick, being so confused and feeling as if my body wasn't my own. I now know how selfish I was. Mum came with me to the hospital, my partner was working. I was shaking as I took the pill. I very nearly stopped myself. When I took it I was crying, holding my belly, telling my baby that I was sorry, and that, even though I was doing this. Mummy did love him/her,but I just couldn't have them, I had to think about my and daddy's health as I had 2 children I needed to be here for. I went home straight after, expecting to go back in the morning for the rest of my pills but I suddenly started bleeding very heavily. That evening I stood up and everyting went mad. Blood everywhere. And then the worst thing happened.....

my baby came away in my hands.

I screamed, my baby, I'm so sorry. I was rushed off to hospital in an ambulance and kept in over night. Was given drugs to stop the bleeding and was very nearly rushed for surgery. I stayed in all night, I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I felt/feel like I deserved everything I got. My baby had to come away into my hands to make me realise what I had done. I went home the next day, just feeling incredibly numb and weak. Physically I was fine in around 2 weeks. Mentally, I don't think I ever will be. Every day since that day I have cried/ thought about my baby and what he/she would have been like. Sometimes I wish I could try again but this could never happen now. Besides, I don't think I deserve any more children. I am terrified I am going to lose my children, that something bad is going to happen to them because of what I did. I wonder if I will have to feel like this for the rest of my life. I hurt, I feel so incredibly guilty and talk to my baby most days, telling them I am sorry and I love them. I always will.

I feel like I deserve to suffer and feel this mental pain, because I should never have done what I did.

I wish so much I could change everything. If I could, my baby would be here with me now. I know if my baby had of been here, life would be incredibly hard, my partner's still struggling with depression. The only thing to come out of this terrible nightmare is that, I was so scared after the blood loss of possibly dying, that I have managed to lose 3+ stone in weight, so I'm healthy physically. I just feel I'm totally shot menatally. I don't want to feel this way any more. If only I had known back then, how I would feel now. I wouldn't have made the the biggest mistake of my life. I will live with the knowlege and regret of what I have done forever. x

Editor's Comment

Your head was telling you that your circumstances were difficult and that another baby would be a struggle, and you probably blocked off some of your heart feelings. Once you saw the baby, it would have been harder to block off the feelings from your heart and that is the grief and regret you are feeling now. You still have a lot to cope with having 2 children and yopur partner so unwell. It must be hard keeping positive for them when you are feeling such a sense of loss. If you would like some post abortion help and support, please contact CareConfidential. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 15/05/2012 and it's been viewed 544 times.

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