A regreted medical abortion.

I'm eighteen years old. I'm a mother, student, and wife.
I found out I was expecting the night before my 18th birthday.. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. I have a seven month old son already, my marriage is barely surviving, I'm barely passing my classes, I can't even afford my pg&e let alone another baby is what was running in my head.

I cried for three days wondering what I was going to do.

I could do adoption but deep down I knew I'd grow to love my baby and couldn't give it away.
I remember when I was 38 weeks pregnant and my cousin had an abortion I was highly disgusted when she asked to hold my baby 13 days later..
Seven months later I found myself being a hyprocrite asking her information on where she went, what they did, and how she felt.
A week later I made my appointment to watch the video of the process and get my ultrasound, the following friday I found myself taking the pill to stop my baby from growing.. I stayed strong until I stepped outside of the clinic.

I broke down realizing I wanted my baby... But it was too late.

I couldn't save it now. The next day I did the process of taking the vicodon and four misoprostol in my cheek for thirty mins then swallow. I fell asleep.. waiting for the pain and bleeding.
Three hours later I felt like I was in labor and went to use the restroom and a huge "clot" with my baby was in the toilet. I instantly fell to the floor in complete tears and pain.
I killed my baby. I took its chance to walk, talk, smile, and most of all to live. It's only been a week but I feel so much pain inside. "What if" is always in my head. I wonder what it would of looked like, the things that it would of smiled at and laughed at. I wish I could take it all back and let my baby live a happy life but I can't. I want my baby back.

Editor's Comment

You were under a lot of pressure with your studies, and your 7 month baby, and sometimes it is hard to make a decision when you feel so trapped. It is often not until later that the impact of what you have done really hits home. If you would like to have some post abortion help and support it is available. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

This story was sent in on 19/05/2012

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