A letter to my baby

By anonymous on 24/05/2012
Dear Adrian Jordan Malik,

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you, sitting in my bathtub, my eyes filled with tears staring at the stick as those two blue lines come up. I was overwhelmed with so much emotion but mostly I was terrified. In fact I just sat there and cried for about 3 hours not knowing what to do next.
 The first person I told about you is a really good friend of mine. I didn't want to tell your father because I was scared as to how he would react. My friend convinced me that the right thing to do would be to tell your father, so on that same night I got in my car and drove over to your father's house to deliver him the news.
One thing I will forever be thankful for is the support your father showed me that night. It's a night I'll never forget. He was worried and terrified but happy because the doctor had told him that he would never be able to have babies and this was a miracle to him.
I told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to keep you and he said he would support whatever decision I make but he wanted me to keep you and deep inside I knew I wanted the same thing.
So that night we both never slept, we stayed up counting the stars and running our fingers on my tummy thinking how you would look like, seeing your first smile, hearing your first word, what joy you would bring us and how we couldn't wait to see you.
That following morning I flew down to Atlanta with my family for spring break and while I was on that trip is when I realized that I couldn't keep you. There was nothing I could give you, money, a decent family, and I wasn't sure I could raise you by myself. So I set up an appointment to go to the doctor's office on Friday, April 6th.

I decided I wanted you out of me.

Your father was in Arizona and he wanted me to wait till April 10th so that he could be there with me but I wanted to do it fast before I changed my mind.
When I had your ultrasound, I felt nothing but love for you, I will always love you. I couldn't believe that I had another life growing in me.  And on that same day I aborted you, you were only 6wks and 5 days. They gave me anesthesia so I wasn't conscious when they took you out of me but as soon as I woke up I couldn't stop crying.

I thought that I would feel relief once they took you out of me but instead I felt empty

A huge part of me was missing and I doubt there is anything or anyone in this world that could ever fill that void.
I stayed in the hospital for another hour just crying before I left. That whole day I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't in pain physically but emotionally I was shattered.
And the next day I cried even more because I realized that on that Friday I aborted you, it was Good Friday. My heart was just broken.
I've never been so emotionally wrecked.
I felt like I disappointed the two people who loved me the most, Jesus and of course you. I knew you loved me, I could feel it every time I ran my fingers on my stomach and I knew you couldn't wait to spend time with your mama.
I'm really sorry I took that away from you. In my heart I know that you're up there with Jesus and he has adopted you and both of you have forgiven me but I haven't forgiven myself yet.
You'd be happy to know that I'm going to therapy and it was my therapist's idea to name you and write this letter to you.  I want you to know that I think about you everyday. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I sleep.
I talked to your father two days ago and we both don't know how to cope with this situation so we are just gonna part ways for a while and hopefully maybe in the future we can be great friends.
And I haven't talked to God neither for a while, it's been hard for me to face him after what I did even though in my heart I know he's forgiven me too. Someone once told me something like "God knows our prayers, even those ones we don't have the words for" so I'm really counting on that. I think from all this, the most important thing that I've learnt is that life is valuable. So from now on I'm going to make the most of my life in respect of yours that I selfishly took away. I know that you're up there looking down at me and I'm going to make you proud of me. I am so sorry for taking your life away from you and I really want you to know that I'll always love you and I can't wait to meet you. 

Your mother

Editor's Comment

Thank you for sharing such an intimate letter. This was a very painful experience for you, and reading your letter you are trying to work through some of these difficult emotions and acknowledge them. Sometimes a decision seems right when you think it through logically in your head, but it can still cause a lot of emotional pain from your heart.

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