A letter to the baby I lost
The day I found out I was pregnant with you it was morning time 22nd May 2012. I was holding the sticks in my hand with two lines showing that it is positive. I couldn't believe I was pregnant I kept looking at the leaflet and then at the sticks, I sat there in shock and despair. I slowly crept down the stairs and went down to your waiting father, I told him I was pregnant with you. He looked at me with sad eyes and hugged me. But I didn't feel anything, I felt like a emotionless robot, looking for abortion clinics..
I didn't smile I didn't cry.. I just wanted you out of me as soon as possible.
I am just 19, a careless teenager that had no control over her emotions.I booked an appointment for that day and left with your father, he insisted on driving there and I agreed. When we reached Marie Stopes, we were late. The nurse had no option but to book me in two days later for a surgical abortion. I left the clinic in tears because I didn't want you to get sucked out of me literally. I cried and cried until I had hicups. I was angry at your father for not listening to me.
When I went home, I was tired and numb, the next day I had a psychology exam which I did not revise for at all. But I still went and gave it.
The day before you left me, I stood in front of the mirror looking at my tummy, where you lay. I was caressing it, you were a nice oval bump. I caressed and caressed you, didn't take my hands off you and realised that you were leaving me the next day.
I cried and cried, with pain and with regret.I wanted your father but he was busy with his family. It was only you and me baby. I didn't feel alone because I had you with me. Your father came to see me out of surprise, we didn't want him there, I told him to go I was angry and hurt. It hadn't hit him that you were going tommorow. When he left I started feeling sick and I threw up, I was feeling terrible and unhappy.. I lay in bed holding you until I fell asleep..
On the day of the abortion, I was numb, cold and ready. Your father came along, and I had no option but to accept his affection. We waited a long time, till the nurse at Marie Stopes called us in for an ultra sound, your father couldn't see you right. But when the nurse showed me the photo I saw you instantly, I saw you..
I told her I wanted a picture of you to keep, so I could keep you with me all the time.
After that we waited a long time till the nurse called us in for the procedure, I got up and so did your father, and he hurriedly kissed me and told me to go. I followed the rest of the ladies and went up to the pre treatment waiting room. I sat there holding you anxiously watching all the other mother's reading magazines and dozing off. I didn't want to let you go, but I didn't know how to react so I just sat there and waited until the nurse called me in.
The nurse was very kind, she asked for my full name and address and I told her.
She told me to remove my lower garments and put them in a basket and to tie a blue cloth around me and she left.
My legs started shaking and my heart was beating. I sat on the chair hearing my heartbeat ringing in my ears and I could hear the machines in the theatre.
The docter knocked and the nurse took me in. I was pulling myself back and the nurse was kindly pushing me towards the bed, I sat up and lay down and the docter took my hand. He put in an IV sedation and the nurse lifted my leg up to put it in a strap. I took a deep breath and felt my eyes droop. The next minute I woke up the nurse was telling me it was all done. You were gone.
She took me to the recovery room and gave me tea.
After I recovered the nurse took me to insert the implant in my arm. It hurt alot. I put my clothes on and the nurse took me down as I held your photo. I went down and waited for your father and he came and hugged me.
I didn't cry at all. I didn't know how I was suppose to feel. I went home and forgot what happened.
At home I can't talk to anyone because if they find out they will kill me. I still sometimes cannot believe what happened on the 24th may 2012, you were my child, my blood, my own.. Please forgive your mother for this, I will never forgive myself for doing this to you. I still caress my tummy as if you're still there, I still feel you with me..
I love you so much, I think about you every day, every night. You are always in my mind.