I was not in a state to continue the pregnancy
By anonymous on 09/07/2012I am a soon-to-be-graduated college student, in a committed relationship since my second year at university. My partner and I plan to marry once we both receive our degrees. This past winter, I went home to visit family for the holidays, and started to worry when my period was over a week late and I was not experiencing any of my usual PMS symptoms. I have experienced delayed periods before, due to stress or travel, but this felt different.
I took a pregnancy test about three days before Christmas. It was positive. I took it at night and did not mention it to anyone for two days. When I went to my mother, I explained that I had resolved to terminate the pregnancy. She burst out crying, and for the next couple days I weighed my options and decided I could keep the baby. I called my boyfriend, who proposed to me immediately. I am not particularly well-off, but I have a remarkable support system and could have raised the child. But I also began to get extremely ill from the pregnancy and I became emotionally volatile and couldn't sleep at all, and stopped eating altogether.
My mother became very concerned. I became more and more emotionally erratic. I had frequent thoughts of suicide, for no real reason at all. My boyfriend was worried by how weak I seemed every time we spoke on the phone. My family and I decided that, with my history of depression, and my intense PMS and periods and susceptibility to hormonal imbalances, I was not in a state to continue the pregnancy.
I resolved that if I couldn't get the termination done before six weeks, I wouldn't do it at all. But I was able to book an appointment locally almost immediately. I researched vacuum abortions in contrast with medical abortions, and although I initially leaned toward the medical option, I was worried about follow-up appointments (I had to be healed in time for school).
I went in for an ultrasound and they gave me pills to take in preparation for an appointment the following day. I was seen by one nurse and one female doctor. Both women were extremely polite, respectful, courteous. I appreciated their professionalism so much. My mother sat with me throughout the procedure. It was very quick, but truly uncomfortable. I'd experienced a pap smear before, so I was familiar with the discomfort of having someone poking around down there. But this was really a yucky feeling. The doctor used a syringe, I think, and it was the longest fifteen seconds of my life as she pumped it. Afterwards, I was faint, and had to be rushed to the toilet, where I sat shaking and puking.
I was relieved afterwards, though. I had been so sick, and now I would get better. They gave me Vicodin and antibiotics. The pregnancy symptoms (nausea, constipation, sleeplessness) continued for about a week and then dissipated. I remained emotionally volatile for about two months, but it has been more than six months now and I am stabilized. I have since been put on birth control to help regulate my system, so that when I am ready for a pregnancy, it won't shock my body so much.
For a while, I wouldn't go a day without wondering about my decision. I come from a spiritual, religious family, and I think the guilt came most from not regretting my termination, despite how much I want to have a child with my boyfriend someday. I grappled for months with the idea that in a few years we would have a child whose older sibling was aborted. Recently, I have also realized that I could have perhaps pursued herbal or natural remedies for my depression during the early stages of the pregnancy. But I was the sickest and weakest I have ever been in my entire life during those couple weeks, and I was scared out of my mind, and I am grateful that I am now able to finish my education and create a stable home for the child I will have one day.