My baby's father was my best friend.
We spoke about it, and I acknowledged how I felt, but at first I made it clear I didn't want a relationship given the situation. We tried to remain friends but keep a distance, but eventually after a lot of heartache, & a lot of other issues arising (which were traumatic but are other issues) we ended up together in a relationship. In 2010, 4 years after he initially told me how he felt for me, when I was sure of how I felt, we slept together. I lost my virginity to him. I was completely in love with him. I worshipped him, & he was my everything. I never wanted to break up his home. I was just happy to love him. I know I sound like a fool, but that is how I felt.
I fell pregnant in Dec 2010. He was working abroad when I did the test & I had to call him to tell him the news. A part of me didn't want to tell him - I didn't want to cause trouble or stress for him - but at the same time I knew he had a right to know.
He spoke to me on the phone about it. He made it clear he could never accept my child as his own. He said it would kill him to know he had a child out there that he would never know, but that he could never play a part in my baby's life. He told me if I wanted to keep it I would have to emigrate, on my own somewhere as we couldn't take the risk of anyone finding out (in case my child looked like him, for example). He told me that he wished we could be together & keep our baby, he told me he was not happily married & that I was the only one he ever truly loved. However, he knew he couldn't leave his marriage for the sake of his children. He said he knew his wife would deny him access to his kids, & he couldn't bear to have them deal with the hurt of coming from a broken home - so he was obliged to stay he said.
Over discussions for the next fews days it became clear - I knew he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy, although he never said it in those words. He was not cold, or horrible about it, but he was never really 'there'. I think it was easier for him to act as if it was happening to somebody else, as he was at a distance.
I was a mess. I was all over the place. I was suffering badly from sickness, feeling tired, upset, & having to pretend, go to work, like everything was normal. Apart from him I was unable to tell anyone about it, largely because he didn't want me to because I might be asked who the father was. I wanted so desperately to keep my baby, & yet I didn't want to hurt the man I still loved so much. I didn't want my child or I to cause any hindrance to his life. And I couldn't just up & leave to have this child on my own abroad. Looking back now I know I should've been stronger. I know now that the choices he offered me were irrational & unfair, but at the time I truly believed they were the only choices I had. I trusted him to look out for me & I put him first, even ahead of my child - I will never forgive myself for that. Never.
I should've nurtured, protected, & loved my baby. I have nobody to blame but myself.
But at the time, the choices presented to me were to terminate, or emigrate. We talked, & decided we should make a decision quickly so as to minimise the suffering of our child - neither of us had agreed with abortion until then. We decided, given the choices I had, to abort.
My baby's father was busy at work in another country so it fell to me to book the appointments, make the arrangements, travel, & go through it all, alone. I asked if I could book the appointment a week or so later, when he was due to return, so he could come with me, but he said it was half-term & he had a pre-booked family holiday so he could not come with me anyway.
I went to the room on the first appointment...it all felt clinical and surreal. I just recall feeling sick, & faint, & as if the room was spinning. I didn't want to go in. The feeling described by the others on their stories...that magic, of knowing your baby is inside you, of that special feeling of knowing a life is growing within you, wanting just a few more days with your child, the placing of hands over your tummy to try and make a feeble attempt at protecting, and of letting my baby know it was loved. It all feels so raw, 2 years on, but it also feels like a blur. I was taken from one room to another. Blood tests, blood pressure, counselling session, tears, wanting to scream and run away, but feeling like my heart and my legs were made of lead. And then I had the scan...
I didn't want to go through with it by then, but it was too late. Tablets in hand, glass of water. Taken. That was it. Next appointment in 3 days time.
When I came out I saw another girl, being held by her partner.
I have never felt so alone or heartbroken.Something inside me, quite literally, died that day, but a part if me died too.
I went through the second appointment. I went through the horror, the pain, the trauma... My baby's father was on the end of a phone and was sympathetic for a few days. Then he refused to talk about it. When he got back home he saw me for an afternoon and gave me a hug.
We remained together. The next time I tried to speak to him about it, he said to me "don't go there, I can't talk about it".
I cried, but tried to get on with life - I knew I had made a huge mistake by then, & I realised that perhaps he didn't care about me as much as he said he did.
3 days after that conversation, I found out he had been with several other women - my own fault for being so stupid. He is now still with his wife and children. Needless to say, we have broken up. He has never spoken to me about my baby.
**The only thing I regret is going against every instinct in me that told me to keep my child**...for trusting someone more than my own maternal instinct. It is easy for me to say that now, with hindsight. I will live with it for the rest of my life. To my baby, wherever you are, I love you & I am so so sorry..
Editor's CommentThis is a very sad story and easy to identify mistakes in hindsight. You were not to know that this man was dishonest and had other women. As I was reading your story I could see the discrepancies in his story. For example if he really wanted to leave his wife, she could not deny him access to his children. He would have had the right to spend an equal amount of time with them. In truth he was just making you feel sorry for his 'impossible' situation.
Now you have to find a way to put your life back together again and I would encourage you to have some post abortion counselling to look at some of the emotions that are still so raw. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.