I had my second abortion yesterday...
My first abortion was difficult. It was 5 or so years ago and my husband was out of work and I was in full time work. I was really excited when I found out I was pregnant and although it would be tough I thought we'd manage. But my husband (then boyfriend) just freaked out and did not want the baby, although he said he'd support me. I didn't want to be a single mother (again) and so I went ahead with an abortion. I don't blame my husband because at the end of the day it was my decision and I knew it was right for me and my other children. That was performed under sedation and I clearly remember the first thing I did when I woke up was cry. I cried many times after that and in fact the last time I got really upset about it was only a few weeks ago. How ironic is it that when I was feeling sad I was probably pregnant again.
This time I knew I was pregnant and knew what decision I would make before I’d taken the pregnancy test. I have a 12 month old and had requested a sterilisation at the six week check, for which I was refused. So again I found myself in this awful position. This time though, it's been slightly easier because there was never any 'wanting' of this pregnancy.
I had a termination yesterday with a local anaesthetic, not a nice procedure, but quick and brutal. In some ways brutal was what I wanted, so I teach myself a lesson and never get into this situation again. My husband was with me as he was the first time. Not much use, though he did try. It's early days and I don't know if I will still be crying over this abortion in 5 years time, as I recently did about my first one. I'm not torturing myself, but having children, I’m fully aware of the possibilities. I mainly cry for their lost futures, for never being given a chance and that if that they had souls, that they know I love them as much as my other children. I hope they know that I really do. I consider myself as having 5 children: 3 with me and 2 in spirit. I don't regret it. I never did regret the first abortion. I just wish it was a perfect world and I’d had the necessary resources and support to have been able to have them. What I have done is best for all of us. I know that no matter what the circumstances you can go ahead with a pregnancy, but I also think that termination is sometimes the right and best thing to do. I just hope to remember that when I’m feeling low and guilty.
Editor’s note: Thank you for telling us your story. There’s a well-known quotation that says, ‘The heart has its reasons about which the mind knows nothing’. And in your story, it’s as if there are two people speaking – one who says ‘I had to do this, I don’t regret it, it was right for all of us’ and one who is in great pain who cries, who loves and grieves for her children, who might feel ‘low and guilty’ sometimes. It’s taking an awful lot of energy to keep your mind and your heart apart, isn’t it? You may feel that you are managing life quite well, keeping on top of these emotions that surface every now and then, but it may also help you to have a place that’s safe for you to express your deepest feelings about your losses and give some loving attention to that part of you that’s in pain. When we take care of the part of us that’s hurting, healing can occur and you’ll be in a better place to love life and live it well. We’re thinking of you.