...she announced I was not 8..but 19!! weeks pregnant.
By anonymous on 16/02/2013...I had been feeling tired for a long while and dizzy...and bloated for just about a year..
I sat with my nan, as she watched 'One born every minute' (I can't stand watching people give birth cause of a traumatic event from my past..which makes me feel devastated and filled with grief..even years down the road when I see babies or parents together with their child)..I get feelings of overwhelming anger and pain when I think about what happened. (anyway)
My nan began to tell me about her pregnancies..and how she did not know for 5 months one time since she still bled every month and some people go into a&e with back pain and end up having a child...it kind of struck me with a wave of paranoia..and for some reason lately to that time...I had been feeling quite strange..feeling like there was a baby on my mind almost..some kind of feeling.
I seemed ok..no symptoms out of the blue...still getting bloated all the time whenever I needed a wee..or ate certain foods..I began wondering if I had an illness..and Googled on many sites if bloating is normal..being a total hypochondriac hehe apparently it was normal :o!
(oh good I can get on with my life!)
So I carried on..and it was about a month and a half since my nan had had that conversation with me (it was now Christmas time).
My mum was coming to visit me from Hongkong and I was so excited
I had not seen her for almost a year..it was painful to be away from her for any longer since I am 19 years old and my mum is very precious and close to me...but I feel I can't tell her anything about my life (which I think is awful..because of fear *and insane unhelpful overreacting*)
She told me in the past ...that she would disown me if I got pregnant and she wouldn't bother with me anymore not one bit..and I was horrified when she told me this, hearing it come from my mothers mouth is haunting...specially when things go downhill unplanned.
She came to visit..and over Christmas I split up with my longterm boyfriend..which was so hard for me, and I felt she made it so much harder...when she left it was January 2013 and I decided I should ditch the contraceptive patches cause I always thought they where a pain in the arse-they gave me pains and irregular periods so it was difficult to judge when I was going to have my next period etc, even though I took birth control seriously beforehand of course, but I thought I have no need for them now!(yey) and still remained good friends with my ex..I felt very close to him indeed.
Then it got to about the 28th of January..and I wondered whether I was ok..cause I did not get any sort of spotting or bleed..I thought maybe it was my body just healing from the patches or something..but I told my ex ..and I said I think I should get tested...for I was scheduled to fly to Hongkong in mid March to visit my mum and to have a fantastic time going to Thailand for a diving course, and also doing my welding course which I had been on since mid/late 2012 and after that I had an anime convention to go to and I had invested a lot of money into it, that was in August when I return from Hongkong.
Days past (still feeling fine and dandy..had my ups and downs like any other days of the last 6+ years of my life, fighting thoughts and doubts and depression and winning a lot overall).
Then I got my test. I stood in my bathroom running a bath...feeling rather giddy..I texted my ex saying something like 'do you want to make a bet on the outcome lol' feeling jokey and doubtful.
I sat there with the pee stick..and took the wrapper off..slight odd feeling+foreboding ..did the test..I sat there with a straight face..as two bars came up..and I was like..what..I guess I did not know how to feel, it was my first time.
I sat in my bath for a long time wondering how long it had been.
My ex was very shocked. He was quiet about it, to the point he was not answering me much, so I told a close friend, which helped.
I went to the hospital (with the friend I told) the next day and told them what happened and that I did not have a period in this month..I told them when I last did they said it could be 6-8 weeks, but I would not know until I had a scan, I scheduled one. I said I needed to talk to my ex before I made any decisions so they gave me some drugs to take for a healthy pregnancy- I hid them in my room and did not take them out of fear, and I sat there bewildered at night looking at what the thing inside me would look like at 6-8 weeks.
Then I began to look at abortion procedures...they had already told me it was not deemed a fetus yet it was an embryo, a bunch of cells..
I have a phobia of gynaecology and the thought of anything like that terrified me .. went to see my ex and I started to feel emotion...a sense of grief and attachment almost...it was a completely new feeling for me but for me..it was only early days...my scan was set for Valentine's day (hoary) nice timing, and I went along to the scan..with my ex..we wandered around the hospital,getting lost...until we finally found the place in the childrens centre..I felt uncomfortable being there with him since I knew people that worked there.
I filled out my details etc..and I went into the waiting area..with my ex..he comforted me, then my name got called and I got up and beckoned for him to follow and they slammed the door in his face!!!! ..she explained men can't view the scan :( ...she told me to take my stuff off and put it on the chair. She was friendly and had a kind feel about her. She looked at her report and at me and asked me a few things, how far I thought I was and period dates etc...she then told me to lie down and she put ice cold gel on me nice!..then she turned the machine on...and I was watching her face..and her eyes widened and she began to move the hand held scanner around more she said 'you're no where near 8 weeks!'
and she asked me to pull my pants down more and she was going just above my hair down there.. she said 'I am trying to find the head, they keep moving'.....I was in shock...moving! what!?! ..it was an intense moment...from thinking what I had in me was the size of a raspberry ..now massive and moving?!?!...she announced I was not 8..but 19!! weeks pregnant..I felt..bewildered..she asked me if I wanted to see the baby..in my heart I did..so I looked and she turned the screen...and there..I saw a perfectly formed human, moving around shaking their head spinning around away from the scanner..it's little face,toes and fingers..it even flashed it's bum at me...it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life..it was such a shock.
The woman told me it was too late to help me at this hospital, and I would have to go elsewhere..I kept getting flashes of my baby in my head..it's little heart and then horrific images of them pulling it apart in an abortion etc
I have been struggling..they asked me if I wanted them to make an appointment ..or would I want to make an appointment myself. EVERYTHING was happening so so so fast..I needed a period of time where I could sit down with myself...caress my tummy and feel it ..for me ...that phone call is going to be a death sentence..and I am finding it extremely hard to cope with.
I have one day to decide whether I am going through with it or not, I have no income at the moment, no support of family (I have not told them out of fear especially my mother) and I have a welding course and I also have Hongkong and the convention coming up...but i've been feeling this longing for so long...and now my beautiful child is right here in me...my mother was pregnant with me at my current age now and her life is great. She escaped England and traveled the world with me and is pretty much a free spirit..I feel so lost.
I know I want to consider getting some kind of procedure where the baby is born whole...so I can spend time with them, it's a huge shock for me..and I am finding it unbelievable..and unbearable..and I feel I need to talk to my mother because I need her...when I am in Hongkong or I might lose myself.
I feel I want to keep the child too. I know it would feel like a destroying mistake that would haunt me for the rest of my life.