I am 18 years old & I had an abortion just 2 days ago at 13 weeks.

I am 18 years old & I had an abortion just 2 days ago at 13 weeks. My bf is 20 years old & we both go to college together. He's south Asian & Muslim, his family is very strict. Dating isn't allowed in his religion, so when his family found out about me, they punished him & watched him like a hawk for months. They said if they find out again, they're kicking him out which is a big deal because in his culture, the sons live with their parents for life with their own families. I was told I might have fertility problems and I never used birth control ever, so I figured I couldn't get pregnant.

2 years of unprotected sex & nothing happened.

I didn't get my period for 2 months, was waking up feeling nauseous for weeks, & my bf was already getting paranoid. Took a test and sure enough, I was pregnant. Went to walk ins at a clinic to schedule an abortion. **I had 4 total visits & not once did anyone even ask why I wanted the abortion.** I always told my bf if I ever got pregnant, don't worry because I'll just abort it. But when I found out...I just didn't want to do it! But whenever I even tried to talk about adoption or anything he would get so mad & ignore me. If I started showing, the Muslims at our college would know the baby is his because they all know we're dating. It would then spread to his family just like it did before, & he would be kicked out & disowned for sure. The entire Muslim community would shun him as well. Guaranteed.

I cried almost everyday...I loved this child!

I felt it was a boy, so we named him. He came up with a name from his culture & we even had a nickname for him. The ultrasound later confirmed that it was indeed a boy. Surgery day came & I cried on the way there. Tried to talk to my bf one more time about adoption & he just got even more upset and refused to listen. It was so disgusting how they do abortions...so many girls get them done everyday just at this one clinic. It seemed like a baby killing factory, the doctors are so detached. As soon as I got out of surgery, I cried so hard. My bf picked me up & was very sympathetic. I showed everyone who knew about it the ultrasound picture. I sleep with it everynight under my pillow. It's only been two days, but literally every waking hour I'm alone since I have cried. I would do anything to go back & undo it! I would yell at my bf & tell him no I'm not killing my son!! I refuse to have sex again until I'm married & ready for kids. This was the biggest mistake of my life, I'm now a mother of a dead child :(

Editor's Comment

It is very sad that you felt so pressurised by your boyfriend and the culture he was locked into. He was enjoying the western culture of dating but couldn't cope with the consequences. It is probably harder for you to go through an abortion having believed you had fertility problems and may find it hard to conceive.
You clearly feel a lot of regret and very strong, painful emotions as a result of going through this. If you feel you can access abortion help there are practitioners specially skilled to support you through this difficult time.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 22/02/2013

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