I always thought that I wouldn't be able to go through with an abortion

In July I discovered I was pregnant, at the time I was 18. Me and my boyfriend of four years had always used protection and been careful so I was really shocked. I didn't know what to do, I was working towards my A levels and planning to go to university.
I always thought that I wouldn't be able to go through with an abortion and I was really confused about my options, for me personally having the baby seemed like the only choice. I left it a month before telling my boyfriend I was pregnant, and I was really worried about what he would say.

When I told him he freaked out and we had a massive row.

He told me he wanted me to have an abortion, and he said that if I didn't have an abortion he didn't want anything to do with me or our baby.
He was my first love and he persuaded me that I should concentrate on college and that we could be together. I didn't want to go through with it but I didn't know what else to do so I had a surgical abortion 3 weeks later. **Straight away I knew I'd made a massive mistake.**
I cried for weeks afterwards, I stayed in bed and skipped college, I blamed my boyfriend at first for making me do it.

I broke up with him because of it and I hate him for making me choose.

I feel really alone, no one else knows and I can't stop blaming myself for not being more independent and making my own decision. I think about what my baby would have looked like, what sex it was, as well as names, all the time.
I'm really emotional and the slightest things make me so angry. I have no determination to achieve at college anymore and I feel like I've ruined my life. It's been 7 months since the abortion and my baby would have been born by now. I feel so ashamed of what I did. I tried to talk to my doctor about it but I froze. I hate myself for what I've done and feel depressed all the time.

Editor's Comment

It is hard at 18 to cope with the pressure you were facing, particularly as your boyfriend said that he would have nothing to do with you and the baby. You must have felt very lonely and isolated, and as you wrote 'didn't know what else to do'. I'm sorry that you did not have someone to talk it through with, and help you to make a decision you were comfortable with.
I am sure that you would benefit from **The Journey** post abortion support programme, particularly as you are still feeling depressed after 7 months. It sometimes takes a lot of courage to take that first step and seek help, but it would help you to work through some of the painful emotions you are feeling. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 23/02/2013 and it's been viewed 354 times.

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