One beating heart is stopped and one is broken
There were times I thought what if and it was upsetting. One night I sat in the bath and Coldplay fix you came on, I heard the line 'when you lose something you can't replace' and I lost my mind, I went back to that theatre and I felt that pain, I heard that noise, I relived that moment, the regret had finally hit me. After a few months being married I was still thinking of what life could have been if I was now pregnant, I started to look up the stages of pregnancy online. Aside from the actual abortion this became the worst moment of my life. When I reached the 5 week mark I read that my baby had a heart. I realised I had killed my baby, I died inside, I knew my life would never be complete, I would never be happy I needed my baby back. We named him George, it's a long story but we knew he was a boy, a fact that was later proved when we went to see a medium and her first words were 'I have Georgie here'. When my little boy was born it was the best day of my life coupled with hell. I loved him but I saw the baby I didn't keep, I repeatedly called him Georgie by accident, I didn't want to look after him, I couldn't face him. After a couple weeks the baby blues faded and I settled down with my new baby. To this day I still struggle with him now, it's not as bad as it was but when he turned one I couldn't bare the thought that I was planning him a party and I should have known what to do as I should have had parties already for Georgie.I didn't want to come home from work at night, I was petrified of looking after him on my days off, I wanted to run away, I sometimes still do, sometimes I worry I'll do worse. At night I still cry for Georgie I imagine walking into the other room and seeing him sleeping in a bed next to his brother. Sometimes I go back to that day and that pain and I now understand that the pain was him being torn away from me, I hold my stomach and try so hard to keep him but he's not there. The guilt eats me up so much that I wonder how I will go through the rest of my life like this, but in the same way I'm scared of the guilt going away, I need it to remind me of my boy and my mistake. I love my husband so much we've been happily married over 5 years, I can't tell him about this because I know it upsets him too and I can't handle the guilt of the pain I will cause him. Eventually we told my parents, we couldn't bare for Georgie to be left a shameful secret he deserved recognition it wasn't his fault. They were devastated and have never brought it up since we told them. I can never tell them how I feel as I can't handle the guilt of the pain that I caused them killing their grandchild let alone have them know it took my heart with it. I'm 25 and my husband is too, our son is 2 years old, I know if I left them now my husband could find a new wife, a good wife and mother but I'm too weak to leave them. The mistakes I made that day not only affect me but the people around me. Consider how you will feel in the future if you have children, knowing you took their brother away from them and left you family forever broken. It's not just the here and now that matters. My son is growing up without his older brother, my nephews and nieces are going to school without their cousin, my parents are missing a grandchild. Most importantly my little baby is in heaven feeling unwanted and unloved, having never felt the warmth of a cuddle, the love of a kiss, he is alone and he will never be given the chance to smile, laugh, love, have babies of his own...I took away his right to life and happiness. Every day for me is heavy with guilt, every aspect of my life a comparison to what should have been. I would have been on maternity leave when I saw the vacancy for my current job so at times I sit at work and think I shouldn't be here I should make mistakes because I shouldn’t be here I should lose this job. I think of leaving my husband so he can move on and find a wife that can look after him as a wife should, to find a wife that can be a mother to my son....but I'm too selfish for that, I couldn’t live a day without them. I'm posting this in the hope that people considering abortion will be prepared for the consequences. My job as a mother was to protect my baby and I failed so now I have to live with that decision. I have achieved so much more than my fairy tale happily ever after but in truth I'll never be happy....my soul is shattered, my life is broken and my heart is missing, its gone in search for the thing I long for most, the thing that I gave up, left in Manchester and can never get back...my baby
Editor's CommentYours is an agonising story of sadness and regret, and very sad that you have lived with this pain now for years and been unable to move past it. This is sometimes called unresolved grief, and reading your account it feels as though you have been constantly tortured and punished. You finally went through with your abortion because you were told something that wasn't true, "it's just a sac", and finding out the stage of development at 5 weeks must have been terrible.
I feel you owe it to yourself and your family to seek help now. You have taken an enormous step in breaking the silence and posting your story. Now I would encourage you to do **The Journey** programme for post abortion recovery. There may be a centre near you where counsellors are trained to help women walk through The Journey. Please check the website, watch Rhianon's journey, and call the helpline if you need more help on accessing this support.