So January 2013, me and my boyfriend split up, 1 week later I find out I'm pregnant. I had just turned 15, and thought I was only about 2/3 weeks gone. However, I had suffered from depression for a year before hand and was in complete denial about the whole situation. I still told my ex boyfriend but he wasn't interested in the slightest. Instead of helping me, he ignored me and acted like there was nothing wrong. Heartbreaking.
So for 2/3 months I told my close friends and took several tests, all except 1 came back as positive but I believed that one negative test obviously. Big mistake. At the end of April 2012, my mother finally realised what was happening as my stomach had grown and I was constantly throwing up and tired. I told her everything expecting her to be so angry, but she wasn't. She gave me a choice, I could have kept the baby if I wanted, but I was still in love with my ex and didn't want to put him through that. He hadn't even spoken to me about the pregnancy properly.
We went to see my GP who claimed I was 16 weeks pregnant and referred me to the hospital abortion ward. At this point me and my ex had started talking again but it was wrong for me to bring up the abortion to him as it was obvious he had already assumed I'd had it. So I kept it to myself.
The hospital seemed very worried about my pregnancy, sending me to have another scan, where the nurse revealed I wasn't 16 weeks, but 19 weeks. I felt sick to my stomach, but I knew I couldn't keep the baby. 15 years old and a mother was so unrealistic to me. I had not lived my own life yet and couldn't provide for a baby.
However adoption was never an option
Although I was aborting my baby, there was no question about the love I had for it, so giving that baby up to somebody else would have been impossible for me to do.
I returned to the hospital 2 days later for the first stage of my abortion, swallowing one pill to stop the pregnancy. I thought that this would stop the butterflies I was feeling as the baby moved, I thought the baby would stop moving altogether but I could still feel it when I lay down to sleep. I felt so guilty.
On the day of my abortion I just wanted to die. The pain was mild at first, like cramp. But after an hour or two, I was in absolute agony. I just wanted it to be over but every time I sat at the bed pan to pass my child, nothing was coming. I was in the hospital from 8:30am until 7:30pm and the full time was spent in excruciating pain, until eventually my baby passed.
My mam told me not to look at my child, and came in to hold me while the nurse got rid of it. I was so shaken and guilt ridden I just wanted to run home. My friends were so supportive and were constantly fussing around me for the next few weeks. My ex and I grew closer but I wasn't the same person anymore. There was a hole in me, something missing.
I took my ex back, and when the time was right I sat him down and told him everything. I did not expect the reaction I got. The boy who had wanted nothing to do with his child or me at one point was now in floods of tears and full of regret and guilt. It was overwhelming to realise that he did actually care, but at the time he was so terrified he thought he could just block it out.
It's been almost a year since my abortion, and I still wake up in tears, pining for my baby.
I should be happy, living my life like I wanted to but I can't anymore. I'm so depressed and only have my boyfriend left. My friends have all left me, some are even saying that I made the whole pregnancy up. I mean seriously, how disgusting of them right?
I guess I'm just saying, no matter how much you want an abortion, it will always haunt you and your partner. I've had to grow up way before my time just to try and cope with my feelings but it still doesn't work. My advice would be to seek help after an abortion to make sure you never end up like me.
Editor's Comment
It is very difficult at 15 to really know what you are facing and how you might feel, and maybe pre abortion counselling would have helped you to understand your thoughts and feelings. You were very concerned about your boyfriend's reactions and it must have been very hard to discover his true feelings. I think that post abortion support would still help you to understand your emotions and responses, and to get to the root of your depression. Please contact a post abortion practitioner through the website if you would like help and support.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to
find a centre for post abortion support in your area. 