I had a medical abortion privately yesterday.

I had a medical abortion privately yesterday. I found out 2 weeks ago that I was pregnant and the fact that the father and I aren't in a relationship, I'm still studying and not financially stable and finally, my family would disown me meant I had to go down the abortion route. Knowing it felt like the only choice I had, made the decision easier and after reading various posts online, I decided medical abortion was the best option for me. I didn't like the idea of having to be sedated or having instruments inside of me so excluded surgical abortion almost immediately. My consultation at the clinic was easier than I expected and I wasn't prodded about why I wanted the termination and didn't feel judged at all. I was able to go into the clinic with a fake name and this made me feel more comfortable as there'd be no chance anyone would find out. The only person that knew was the baby's father and although he's been very supportive of the termination, he did not attend the first appointment with me. At the first appointment a pin prick blood test was carried out and my blood pressure was taken followed by an abdominal ultrasound scan. Many people don't want to see the baby but I felt emotionally attached to this foetus growing inside of me and I asked to see the scan and it was overwhelming to see that this little bubble was what all the fuss was about. I then had to go back to the waiting room where I waited for 1 and a half hours before I was called back in and given a mifepristone tablet to take along with 4 disgustingly tasting antibiotics. That was it for the first day and I drove home and everything seemed fine until about 5 hours afterwards when I suddenly felt extremely nauseous and lightheaded.

I can honestly say I've never felt so sick in my life

Although it's a known side effect to feel sick, this nausea definitely wasn't what I expected. After a very rough night feeling sick and constantly wretching (but not actually vomiting), I returned 24 hours later with the baby's father for support. I was told I needed someone to drive me back home and was relieved that the next appointment only lasted 15 mins. I was given 4 misoprostol tablets to place between my lips and gum and had to massage them into my gums until fully dissolved. The baby's father then drove me back to his flat and within about 30 mins of being in the car, I could feel I was really very damp and felt like blood would soon be soaking through my 2 extra absorbent pads, 2 knickers, shorts and leggings! I was right! As soon as I got out of the car and ran to the bathroom I'd realised I was leaking but luckily managed to sit on the toilet on time so the rest of the clots could drop out. Sounds very detailed and gruesome but I bled a lot! I changed into fresh clothes and pads and after about 30 mins I could feel myself drop a HUGE amount of blood and ran to the toilet again. In total this happened 4 times and in the 4 hours since taking the medication I'd lost more blood than I'd ever lost throughout a whole period. Thankfully I did not have any cramping as I'd been taking regular paracetamol and now that it's a day later, I seem to have stopped bleeding and have slight spotting.

Today I'm filled with feelings of guilt

I'm upset that this baby I'd grown attached to has now left me and the baby's father has flown out of the country on holiday so I don't have him to speak to either. My emotions have been harder to deal with than the abortion itself and I feel today has been most difficult of all. I just want to advise anyone going down the medical abortion route that be sure of your decision, make sure you're prepared with lots and lots and lots of highly absorbent sanitary towels and dress appropriately because if you're anything like me, you'll leak through it all! And most importantly make sure you have support, not just for the appointments but afterwards.

Editor's Comment

Often the focus is so much on the physical procedure and what you may experience that emotions get pushed aside. When these surface it can be painful and difficult to deal with especially if there is no one to talk to about how you feel. There is a very good post abortion support programme called The Journey which helps to process some of the feeling and emotions you describe. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.