I let him sleep with me without a condom.

I was 14 years old when I fell in love with my ex boyfriend. We hadn't been together long but I was young and completely smitten, I'd never felt this way about anyone before.
A few months into our relationship he told me he wanted me to have his baby. Me being completely besotted and blinded by love let him sleep with me without a condom, I didn't really think anything would come of it because I didn't really understand about pregnancy and the human body.
It was August 2008 when I began being sick every day. I thought I was just unwell but my mother suggested I take a pregnancy test. I was thinking don't be so ridiculous, I can't be pregnant! But of course, there they were, two little lines on that stick.

I didn't know how to feel, I was confused and scared and excited all at once.

It was almost immediately that my mum and my boyfriend told me it was for the best if I abort. He said 'if you have this baby it will tear us apart' and things to that effect - how could he say this after he told me he wanted this?! I was so confused... So my doctor sent me for a scan but I guess I didn't make it clear enough that I wasn't going to be keeping the baby - I was sent to the hospital for my scan and they showed me the screen as the midwife rolled the ultrasound probe across my belly.
I was 14 weeks pregnant. I felt so happy and full of excitement and joy when I saw my little baby on the screen, I forgot all about the abortion. However, my parents and partner still pushed me to it and my mum booked me in at a private clinic for a surgical abortion. The first time I was meant to have the surgery I chickened out and couldn't go through with it. The second time I went back is the day it was done and I was 15 weeks 3 days. As they were putting me to sleep I said please stop I've changed my mind... To which a masked doctor replied that it was too late.

For four years I grieved the loss of my baby until I finally sought counselling.

Just as I was finally coming to terms with it I have found myself pregnant again and for the last 7 weeks I have been beating myself up trying to decide what to do for the best.
This baby's father is very emotionally abusive and disturbed and I don't know if I can handle having him in my life forever, bound by this child.
I am 11 weeks roughly and I am booked for a consultation (scan etc) next week and I'm not sure if I will be able to go through the termination itself after how much the first ruined my mental health. If you are considering abortion - please make sure it is what you want and you make the choice for yourself, no one else.

Editor's Comment

That was a very difficult experience to go through at 14. Your boyfriend didn't seem to have any intention of actually having a baby, but you were too young to see beyond his romantic words. It is very sad that you were unable to make your own decision and I suppose your parents felt that they were making the right choice for you.
If you would like to talk about your pregnancy, or the abortion please contact us.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 24/08/2013 and it's been viewed 379 times.

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