I guess finding out I was pregnant was a shock.

By anonymous on 11/09/2013

I'd been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we had never been the most safe of couples, but we always joked that one of us was always broke.
We planned that if I was to ever become pregnant, we'd be strong and raise our baby. Sitting on the bath waiting for a test result to come back was like waiting for something you'd never get, it came back positive 7+ week's. Immediately I told him, but his tone changed, he panicked about money, house, bills, jobs! I was so scared and he then told me he'd been cheating for 4 months and maybe it was best that we had an abortion.

I felt my whole life and my baby's life crash around me

I went to the doctors and broke down. My low mood got worse and worse and eventually he persuaded me abortion was the best.

I opted for the tablet form, laying down in bed I couldn't stop crying whilst they inserted the tablets into my vagina, I fell asleep with the morphine and woke up laying in my own blood.
I pulled the buzzer and got helped out of bed and into new clothes. **From this point on I regretted it**.
I started feeling suicidal, other people on the ward seemed happy? And there was me thinking of how to kill myself.
I had a lovely male nurse who didn't leave my side. He called for a doctor to review my mental state. My abortion was the worst they'd seen in awhile with lot of blood, 5 soaked beds, 11 soaked maternity pads and a lot of emotion.

The doctor asked me some questions and decided I was unfit to go home, but I refused, packed my bags and started to leave. Then within 5 minutes I had a mental act put against me, and got brought back to the hospital. Through all of this my partner or ex was playing happy families with his new girl.

This one nurse stayed with me, made me eat, and take more pain relief.

I believed I hurt my baby so I should feel pain

I had a scan prior to this and have it on me wherever I go. My baby I believe would have been a girl (Annabelle) such a harmless and innocent life was ended by my cruel mistake on 10/09/2013 at approx 1.53 in the afternoon.
I saw her little body in the bed pan, I refused to speak, I went into defensive mode, everyone was an enemy and this made the mental health worker keep me for longer than was said.

She will always be my baby my little Annabelle and I will hold her picture for the rest of my life. She is now a star in the sky and I plan on visiting where they spread the ashes when I feel ready. The loss I felt was horrendous and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I wish I was strong for my baby and went with my heart. Well Angel I'm sorry, one day soon we will be together in heaven and I promise forever to look after you, sleep tight baby x

Editor's Comment

This is a tragic story with so much loss, grief, and regret. I am so sorry you have been let down and betrayed by your ex boyfriend, and although the doctor thought he was helping you with the right decision, it sounds as though your abortion made you more mentally unwell and depressed. Your emotions are very raw but when you feel able a CareConfidential practitioner would be able to support you with some post abortion help. Please do ask, this is a very difficult journey for you, and you need someone to walk it with you. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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