It's been one year & 3 months.
My boyfriend refused to let me keep her. He said he wasn't ready and his family would be upset with him. He wanted me to abort her. I spent the next two weeks begging him, crying my heart out. For him to let me have her. I told him together we could do it. I told him it would scar me. But he said no.
I loved my bf loads so I chose to go ahead with it. I know I am to blame for the death of my baby but I also know I needed my bf support to decide we would keep her.
Today, I spend my day seeing flashbacks of the surgical abortion I had.I spend nights awake crying for her. I don't even have an image of her face to imagine. The guilt, the shame, regret, the anger and the profound hate I have towards myself is beyond any adjective.
I talk to her in my prayers. I fight about her with my bf. I have no one to talk to because my bf doesn't like it when I speak about her. He doesn't understand.
If I knew then, what I know now, my angel would be 7 months old, here beside her mummy.
It has ruined my life, I look in the mirror with disgust, I am depressed and I miss her and love her so much. I want her back.
My message to all girls and women out there, if you choose to get an abortion, do not let anyone bully you or force you into it. Please make sure it is fully your decision because I would never wish for anyone to feel what I feel each passing day. Having a baby is a big deal, getting rid of one is too. Once that decision is made, there is no turning back the clock. **Thanks to this site, I have my 1st ever counselling session next week. Finally I have the courage to ask for help.** best of luck to you all x
Editor's CommentThis has been such a painful experience for you. Being asked to choose between your boyfriend and the baby you were expecting must have been an impossible decision. Being under pressure like this during early pregnancy was more than you could cope with.
I am so glad you have had the courage to get some post abortion help and support. It won't be easy but there is light at the end of the tunnel as you work through the painful feelings.