I fell pregnant when I was 17 years old.

I fell pregnant when I was 17 years old. I already knew I was before I took my test even though I was only 3 weeks when I found out. I had been with my boyfriend for about seven months, and he had a big impact on my decision. I was too afraid to tell my family because I knew they would make me get an abortion and that pressure wouldn't help my decision, so I had only my boyfriend to confide in.
When I explained to him that I wanted to look into any other option rather than abortion he really freaked out, I had never seen him act that way before. He said that if I kept it to look after, he would have nothing to do with it, and said that if I gave it up for adoption he would go to court and get it taken off me. I know that I shouldn't have changed my mind, but I didn't know what else to do. If I had kept the baby I would have had nowhere to live, hardly any money, and I wouldn't get to really bring up my child as I would be working 50 hours a week to provide it food and other basics.

After the abortion, I didn't even think about the baby for a few months, I think I repressed the memory. After a few months had past I couldn't get it off my mind. Just thinking about it brings me to tears. I hate myself for the decision that I made and **I wish that I had had the courage to confide in somebody else for support when I needed it most**.
I phoned up the doctors and asked them for a photo of it, for some closure, but they wouldn't allow me to have it.
I didn't realize the extent of my feelings until I found out that one of my old friends had gotten pregnant about 3 weeks before me, and is going through with the pregnancy even though it was a one night stand, and the man wants nothing to do with her anymore. Hers was due to be born yesterday, mine was due on October 14th.
The biggest reminder is, I am still with the same boyfriend. We are really happy together and he is a really wonderful person, but I can't help thinking that maybe he wasn't worrying about me being pregnant, maybe he was only thinking about himself, how he wanted to do a University degree until he was 24. I wouldn't want to deny him that, but he doesn't realize the pain I've gone through. I bring up our child frequently in conversation and he always changes the subject. I just need to speak about it!
If there are any people in the same situation as I was, please listen. Don't do what other people want, do what you want. If you want to keep the child, it will be hard. But it will completely eat you up inside. Don't leave you child behind if you don't want to, because you will leave yourself behind as well.

Editor's Comment

You must have been in an impossible situation, wanting to look at other options but your boyfriend saying he would not stand by you if you did this. Your relationship must be very strong to have survived such a disagreement, and it would be good if he was able to talk to you about his feelings.
I hope you are able to have some post abortion help and support so that you can work through some of these painful emotions and move on.

This story was sent in on 26/09/2013

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