He told me that having a child would ruin his life.

I'm 32 years old and have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. In May 2013 I discovered I was pregnant, it was very early into the pregnancy, around 5 weeks. We had never discussed having children and I wasn't entirely sure what his take on it was. When I told him he was completely shocked and we didn't speak to each other for a whole day. Eventually we did have to talk about it and he was horrified.

He told me straight out that having a child would ruin his life.

He believed that for a child to be brought into this world both parents should really want it and he certainly did not. I was quite taken aback and shocked, although this baby had not been planned I did not feel the same way. I love my boyfriend dearly and could only see that having a baby together would be a good thing. I wanted to continue with the pregnancy. I questioned him on how he felt and he said if I kept the baby he couldn't guarantee that he would change how he felt about it. He said that he could see no positive points about having children. I rang in sick to work and over the next few days we cried, argued and were generally very miserable.

I barely ate or drank anything for weeks.

I booked an appointment with BPAS for a week's time. My boyfriend came along with me although he was not allowed into the consultation with me which was fine. The counsellor was very kind and non-judgemental, going through the options with me which I had already researched myself. I then saw a nurse who performed a dating sonogram and confirmed I was 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I felt numb. I decided on a medical abortion because I did not want to go through surgery and booked two separate appointments for two weeks time. I could have gone in sooner but didn't want to have any more time off work.
The next two weeks were weird, we carried on as normal even having some really lovely happy days together. I convinced myself that this was the right thing to be doing and just kept telling myself that everything would be back to normal in two week's time. The day before I was due to take the first abortion pill I began to have doubts. I was starting to question whether it was what I really wanted and knew that it wasn't at all. I was doing this so that my boyfriend's life wouldn't be ruined. I spent the entire night before crying, had a few hours sleep and was verging on being hysterical the morning I was due to go. I was hoping the 'right' answer to what I should do would have come to me by now but it hadn't. I drove to the clinic in a blur, my boyfriend had had to go to work that day and had left me an emotional voicemail saying that I should do whatever I wanted. I rang him back sobbing saying that he hadn't left me any choice and nothing got resolved.

I was secretly hoping that he would say don't do it and we can get through this together.

I went to the clinic and a nurse who I didn't see the first time got me to sign some forms and pretty much got down to business straight away. She handed me the first pill with a glass of water. I asked for a few minutes to think about it and she became much kinder then and asked me if this was what I wanted. I said no and broke down into tears. I could not take the pill and walked out because I knew I was not ready to make that decision yet. I text my boyfriend to let him know and he didn't respond. I began looking into what maternity pay I would be entitled to, how much child care would cost me and looking into somewhere I could live on my own. The reality of having a baby on my own was very depressing and I knew that I would have to get another job as my current one involves staying away from home.
My parents although supportive and non-judgemental made it clear they would not provide childcare for me whilst I was at work. I decided that I could not force a baby onto my boyfriend and run the risk that he would never love the child. I couldn't do it to either of them. I rang BPAS but they could not see me for at least two weeks and so I rang Marie Stopes who did a telephone consultation.
I decided this time to have an anaesthetised surgical abortion as it would be over quickly and I would not have to have any more time off from work which I was worried about. I did not want anybody to know about this. My boyfriend took me to the clinic and it was all dealt with very quickly and kindly. I was very worried about the procedure, but I can honestly say I did not feel or remember anything. I was taken into theatre and given the anaesthetic, the next thing I remember I was being woken up by one of the nurses whilst sat in a chair. I didn't even have any bleeding for days. Physically I was fine. Emotionally has been a little bit different. A couple of weeks later I was very depressed.

I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a black hole.

I started taking St Johns wort and felt much happier, it got me through a rough few weeks.
I'm still with my boyfriend but feel very angry with him for putting his feelings before mine. I also know that if I want to have children in the future we must split up as I now know how he feels about this.
I feel jealous when I see other women with babies and wonder what my baby would have been like. I'm hoping that the next time I fall pregnant whoever is the father will be happy and not horrified.

Editor's Comment

I think when you are in a long term committed relationship, you feel that even if a pregnancy is unplanned and perhaps a shock it won't be a disaster. I suppose that discussion about children is all important if you feel someone is your long term partner, as it is so easy to make assumptions. I think it would be good for you to have some counselling not only for the abortion but to plan your future. If having a child at some point is important to you, then at 32 it would be better to make some decisions about your relationship sooner rather than leaving it and running out of time. If this would be helpful please contact us. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 12/10/2013 and it's been viewed 417 times.

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