I had a termination nearly two years ago this September. It is the worst thing I have ever had to do.

By anonymous on 29/08/2007
I had a termination nearly two years ago this September. It is the worst thing I have ever had to do. I became pregnant after 4 months with my boyfriend who is much older than me. I did 5 home tests all of which were negative. I finally went to the doctor and she confirmed I was 11 weeks pregnant. I really wanted to die when she told me; it didn’t seem real. It was such a shock when it was confirmed because it’s like there’s nothing you can do. It’s now fact; it won’t just go away. You have to make a decision.

There was never any option for me to have a child. I was 19 and starting uni in 2 weeks. I had been living with my boyfriend for 3 weeks. The doctor gave me a number to ring to book an appointment myself. I was terrified and I couldn’t tell my mum because of moving out being with an older man and uni. I wanted to be dead. I geared myself up to go and when I got there was told I couldn’t have it as I‘d brushed my teeth and the anaesthetist wouldn’t carry the procedure out that day-I couldn’t believe it. I was so distressed.

I went back 4 days later. My boyfriend stayed with me for as long as he could. I felt as if I in someone else's body. A woman left me in a room and told me to take off my knickers. I then walked through to the theatre room. I just remember being told to calm down and not really having any control. I woke up in a large room full of other people just out or coming out of different theatre rooms. I remember just staring up at the sky and seeing loads of different people being brought out. It was like a conveyor belt or a fast food place. Everyone was left on a chair to come round. I felt sick and wanted to scream at them. I didn’t feel there was any special care. I felt dirty and used. My boyfriend took me home-I was numb. I had one day’s rest and started uni.

At first I blocked it out. That only lasted so long I ended up dropping out of uni. There were days I didn’t get out of bed I was so disgusted at what I’d done. Before this all happened to me I thought all girls that had terminations were cheap or used or slags; I now know differently. This will never go from my heart. Sometimes it will just creep up on me. Other times. I’m fine but I feel like I’ll never be the same.

My boyfriend and I are still together. He has been very supportive of the matter but I don’t think he really understands. I was so scared and nobody else knew. I don’t know if I would be with him now if we hadn’t gone through what we did. A lot of guilt goes with it along with much more. I really stress to anyone caught up in a passionate moment, please protect yourself because so much goes with it in the long term I will never feel good about myself like I used to.

Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…I think it’s very telling that you said you felt as if you were in someone else’s body on the day. Sometimes that’s the only way we cope with experiences that are affecting us so profoundly. I wonder how you feel around the anniversary date – I notice you write your story as we are approaching September again. Perhaps it’s time for you to consider having some post-abortion support that will help you understand the feelings that surface in your story of guilt, anger and sadness enabling you to relate to them more healthily. Your story sounds as if it happened last week…it’s so present with you, isn’t it? A centre near you can offer a free post-abortion recovery programme called ‘The Journey’, which lasts about 10 weeks, usually on a one-to one basis but sometimes in a group. You can ring the helpline first to ask about it, if you like, or use Online Advisor. You may find it’ll do your heart good.

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