Not a single day goes by where I don't think about my baby

By anonymous on 04/11/2013
Not a single day goes by where I don't think about my baby or the terrible choice I made. I think about the baby all of the time & would do anything in the world to have my baby back.
I had split up with my son's dad, been issued with an eviction notice & had a lot of stress. I had started up a relationship with my ex from many years ago & we still had our spark, this obviously didn't go down well with my son's dad & made the web of stress even more tangled. Getting over the end of my family, facing homelessness & a new start then finding out I was pregnant & all of this happened in the space of 5 months.

When I found out I was carrying my ex's baby I was ecstatic & so was he

We chose a pram, picked out names, I bought all the pregnancy magazines & read all of old pregnancy books. Then all of a sudden I was terrified, something clicked in my head & I shut down through fear & stress. Within 48hrs of deciding "I can't have this baby" & " I'm not ready for this new start & to make these memories with someone else", I was at the clinic taking the 1st pill. It broke my ex's heart but he had said he would stand by me no matter what & we were in this together. I looked at it in a practical way & as something "I just had to do"
I was so cold towards him & he was broken hearted at the clinic knowing what we were about to do but I pushed him away & wasn't here for him at all & I wouldn't allow him to be there for me. I went home with my son's dad & he stayed with me through the abortion.
This broke my ex's heart even more.
I took the first pills about 10am & the final pills about 5pm, the cramping started about 7pm & the bleeding started about 11pm. Around 2.30am I went to the toilet & a huge mass fell out of me into the toilet and I was quite scared.

I got it out of the toilet nothing could have prepared me for what I saw

My tiny 8 week baby was lying there with tiny hands & feet, a small mouth & black eyes, it was the most haunting experience of my life & I will never ever forget this moment. I fell backwards, started crying uncontrollably & couldn't breathe. I was terrified & had no idea what to do. There lying on the floor of my shower was my baby & its placenta. I said sorry over & over again.
That night I slept on the sofa.
Ever since the abortion 4 weeks ago I can't forget the image of my baby.
I pushed my ex away even more & told him I never wanted to see him again, luckily he was my rock & still stood by me 100%.
I kept the baby in my bathroom for about 2 weeks until my ex & I met up & buried the baby under a big oak tree by the lake. I thought this would help with the feelings of sadness & guilt but it didn't help. It made it worse.
All I want is my baby to be back in my stomach where it belongs, I had a duty to take care of it & I let it down.

I miss my baby so much & I can't get over it.

I can't eat properly, I can't sleep properly, I'm having nightmares about murder, I cry easily & think about the baby all of the time. I keep looking on abortion websites, reading stories about other people's situation & I am downloading pics of what my baby would look like & how it looked at the time of the abortion. I am in a way tormenting myself & looking at horrible abortion pics & reading horrific stories about abortion, I think I am punishing myself.
I hate myself for what I have done & I know I will be punished in some way.
I interrupted life & stopped my baby from living.

My ex is there for me & we talk about it quite a lot but I think he is finding it hard knowing what to say, it hurts him to see me so hurt & he too wishes we had kept the baby.

I hope in time I can move on from this awful situation & I hope wherever my baby is it's at rest & in peace.

Editor's Comment

Your story is very sad, and it feels as though you were rushed through this process without proper counselling and time to really think through your decision, and work out why you had suddenly panicked. There were so many changes happening in your life and with unstable emotions in early pregnancy, it was not a good situation to make a quick decision like this.
I do think post abortion counselling would be a help to you. I know it takes courage to embark on this when your emotions are still so raw, but I think you need help to find healing for these deep hurts. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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