Just last week I aborted my very wanted baby girl.

Just last week I aborted my very wanted baby girl. My baby was diagnosed with Down's syndrome, heart and kidney problems. I regret my decision until today. I cannot forget the day I came to the hospital then the doctor put me to sleep, and 1 hour later when I woke up everything was done, no pain. But since then I cannot stop crying.
Since the beginning of my pregnancy I was bleeding a lot, and the doctor gave me duphastone (tablets to help with the bleeding), injection and was asked to bed rest for the whole 4 months of pregnancy. I told my baby everyday to be strong. I was planning to open a business but cancelled as I couldn't move from my bed. I lost lots of weight as I couldn't keep anything down even water. I felt nauseous the whole day and hospitalised for 1 week during my 10 weeks pregnancy. At 13 weeks we were given a 1:4 chance for t13,t18 and t21 and we did cvs the result came positive for Down's syndrome. My husband and I planned to keep the baby if she only had Down's syndrome and no other medical problem. At 16 week we had a genetic scan again and the doctor said there was liquid and one of her heart is too small and kidney too big. The chance of her surviving during birth was 1:200. My family members and my husband decided to terminate the pregnancy. So we did straight away at 16 weeks. Until today I regret my decision, I feel angry towards everybody that push me into the decision, angry at myself and why I did not have the courage to stand up for my own belief and lack of faith. I will love the baby no matter what medical reason she had. I keep thinking that I killed my own baby, I haven't even met her, her heart was still beating and I killed her.
I cannot sleep without sleeping pills . Abortion is the worst decision ever. I feel like I want to die and go to heaven ( if God forgives me) and raise her. My beloved baby please forgive me for you did not ask to be conceived and I ended your life so easily. I love you and missed you so much.
For those who are thinking about abortion, please think carefully. I do not want you to go through the pain. I feel angry (about the decision) , regret ( can not be undone), grieve, sad and wrong (after 4 months enduring the stress of bed rest, nausea, hospitalised, lost lots of money for medical reason, not being able to open my business but if I get my baby girl. It will all be worth it. What I got was nothing, I do not have my baby for I kill her myself).

Editor's Comment

I know there is often a lot of pressure to have an abortion when there is an abnormality, particularly when it thought to be severe. It is very hard to stand up to pressure like this and to know what is the best thing to do. You are now grieving your loss and feeling guilty that you made that decision. I think that having some baby loss counselling would help you to unravel some of these very painful emotions you are feeling, as you are taking all the responsibility of this decision on your own shoulders. Please contact Careconfidential for baby loss support. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for baby loss support in your area.

This story was sent in on 12/11/2013

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